Why the First 3 Years Matter

 Why the First 3 Years Matter More Than Most Dads Realize 

Think your toddler won't remember these early years? Science says otherwise — and it's not even close.

In this episode, Connor and Scott break down three research-backed facts about early childhood brain development that every dad needs to hear. Your toddler's brain is running at twice the speed of yours. 80% of their brain development happens before they turn three. And the neural pathways tied to motivation, self-regulation, communication, and self-esteem? They're being wired right now — or they're not.

This isn't a guilt trip. It's a wake-up call. You're not waiting for your moment — you're in it.

We get real about the mirror effect (when you see your worst habits show up in your kids), the myth of "I don't have time," and why small, consistent deposits beat grand gestures every time. Plus, Scott shares the daily affirmation he speaks over his son that stops tantrums in their tracks — and why identity-shaping matters more than behavior modification.

Whether you're a new dad, expecting your first, or feeling like you're already behind — this one's for you.

In this episode: ‣ Why your 3-year-old's brain is twice as active as yours ‣ The 1,000-day window that shapes who your child becomes ‣ How dads accidentally pass down frustration, anger, and anxiety ‣ Daily habits that build unshakable father-child bonds ‣ The phone habit that's silently teaching your kids they're not a priority ‣ Speaking identity over your children before they can speak it themselves ‣ Encouragement for the dad who feels like he's already behind

📖 "Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth." — Psalm 127:4

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Raising Arrows Podcast. We're so glad you're here. We're your host, Scott Stewart, alongside Connor Sykes, two dads in two different walks of life, embracing the beautiful chaos of faith and fatherhood, marriage, work life, and everything in between. We hope you receive hope, that you leave encouraged, and that no matter what we talk about, you have the reminder that God is for you and has more for your life right where you are. So let's lean into today's episode and let's jump right in.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

But children are a gift from the Lord and they are a reward from Him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior's hands. But so verse three. That's where I'm like, I feel like that one and then four would be the great kind of this is, you know, that's our verse for this, which is children are a gift from the Lord. That's what I quote during um child dedications.

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Every time, children are a gift.

SPEAKER_02 0:52

But um, but you know, so I thought we could start this episode out kind of with a verse, first and foremost. Um, and the verse is actually funny enough, we're speaking about Proverbs. It's Proverbs, uh, chapter 24, verses three through four. And it says, uh, where it reads, By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established. Through knowledge, its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures. Um, which I think will tie into today's kind of topic of really why the first three years matter more than most dads realize. Um, especially for new dads who, if you know, you're about to have your first child, or if you're, you know, like if you're expecting, or if your child has just been born, you're in the newborn phase, the first three years really do matter. Um so I and most dads, I feel like, think that it really it kind of doesn't, you know, the the myth of they're not gonna remember it or no, it's like it's like they're not gonna remember any. Yeah, it's like, yeah, like let them live or whatever. It's like I don't have to be there, it's fine. Um, when in reality, um in science as completely different. Um, and it's not even really close. Uh in the kind of this episode, we're gonna break down uh three research backed facts about early childhood brain development uh that should change how every dad you know kind of shows up during the toddler years. And just to be clear, this is not a um like a guilt trip at all. Uh it's a wake-up call. And I wish I had this wake-up call, especially with Bo, our first. Um, you know, you're not really waiting for your moment, you're in it right now. Um, and so like I yeah, right? I know it's like I I wish I had somebody that would just tell me that, you know, because I I would I asked my dad, I'm like, hey, so do you have any tips like when Bo was like firstborn? Like, like, how do I do this? Like, and he goes, just you know, like, ah, you guys, all right. Um, but yeah, so the myth of you know, they won't even remember this. Have you told yourself that when with Shiloh?

SPEAKER_00 3:05

It's like he's not gonna remember. Sure. I mean, definitely when he was baby, baby. Um, and now like I don't I don't do anything that would be like questionable for him to remember or not remember. Uh being the little things, like going on trips. But yeah, it is stuff like that that I think through, like, you know, my nickname as a kid was the human sponge because I just wanted to learn and I wanted to grow and I wanted to be kind of immersed in everything. And I'm thinking to myself, man, if he's got my genes, then that probably means that even now, at you know, at the time of this recording, 19, 20 months, that he is soaking it all in. I mean, dude, we were watching him um watch Moana last night. Yeah, his favorite new word is Maui. He says Maui all the time. He's like Maui, Maui, Maui, Maui. And I'm like, it is clicking to me more and more that he's not just picking up patterns or things that he sees regularly, he is like identifying things and then drawing conclusions in his mind in association. Yeah. So if he'll do that for a movie, how much will more will he do that for his dad? Yeah. When my dad comes home and he looks like this, that probably means he's this. When my dad comes home and he's excited and he's like, Shiloh, but that means my dad's happy. I want to go to my dad, right? Yep. But I think a lot of dads, you know, they put fatherhood unintentionally on that kind of grid of urgent and important, uh, not urgent but important, uh, urgent but not important, and not urgent, not important. And I think a lot of us put our families in the important but not urgent category where we know I'm the dad, I'm the husband. Of course, my family's important, but how intentionally are you living that out this day? Yeah, not just, well, give me a little bit. You know, I'm inexperienced, I'm trying to figure it out. Yeah. Well, you know, to the to the wisdom verse, we know that the beginning of wisdom is the fear of the Lord, and that the beginning of knowledge is the understanding of the Holy One, right? So our relationship with God comes first, then our relationship with our wives, then our children. And it's just crazy to me that even as young as they all are, that they would be picking up so much and drawing conclusions based on all that stuff.

SPEAKER_02 5:26

It's it's insane. I mean, they're the the first fact that, you know, as I mentioned, we're gonna kind of go over three uh different facts here. The first one is and ties into this point, um, is that your three-year-old's brain is twice as active as your own. Um, and I know Shiloh's not three yet, but these the first three years, their brains are this active. So when we as dads are, you know, trying to come in from work and connect with them and we're exhausted, it's like, and they have no regard for, you know, kind of really what you just went through today, all they want to do is play and be present with you and just want to, you know, have your attention. Their brain is running at twice the speed. And so everything that you are doing, saying, um, your body language, how you interact with mom, how you interact with, you know, if you have two, how you're interacting with her sibling, the dogs, pets, how you say certain words, everything that you do is being absorbed. Yep. Just like when you were sponge. Yep. Probably still are a sponge. Yeah. But not squishy. But I'm saying like a mentally sponge. All up here. Yep. Um, but everything, and I wish that I would have taken this into account so many times uh when Bo was very little. Um because now he's three and a half, so we're kind of past this now. Uh and I can see certain parts of like the bad side of me of like, oh, like I wish I he, you know, I wish like if I could give him anything, like any parts of me, I want him to always have the good, obviously. And I can see like his frustration of getting, you know, my big thing is I think I spoke about it once before. I'm like, I get frustrated really quick. I can see that with him. And I wish that when he was, you know, from you know, infant to one, two, up to three, that I would be more level-headed looking back on it. And the times when I would get frustrated, even with him, that I wouldn't raise my voice, that I would say calm, and because then that would pass down to him. Yep. You know, because they're gonna mimic who they're around and they're gonna be around mom and dad the most. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

Um, and we've talked about this even from like a discipleship standpoint, a lot more as caught than taught. Yeah. It's not necessarily do what I say, but more I'm gonna do what you do. And the tough thing, I think, for a lot of us is if we haven't dealt with what we would call that like shadow side, that darker side of us, then I think it's Pete Schizero who said this. Um, Pete at one point pastored like a phenomenal multicultural church in New York. He's written some great books, but um, he writes a lot about emotional health and spiritual health and things like that. I believe it was him who once said, whatever pain you choose not to transform, you will transfer. Yeah. And the whole idea obviously being that if I don't deal with my stuff, then that just goes straight to my most immediate sources around me, which are wife, children, friends, coworkers, stuff like that. But you know that the most direct hit impact is the home. Oh, yeah, because that is the most unavoidable element of a lot of the worst of us comes out in the home because we're great almost everywhere else. That's why it's so hard to lead in the home.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

It's easy to put on a mask, 100%, especially with people who don't really know you. But the people that know you, like your wife and your kids, it's like you're not that good at hiding it. No, yeah, I I I can't tell with Haley. Haley, Haley always, she always says, like, you are you are so good at reading people, Connor. And I just say, dang right, you know I am. And she goes, You are. It's pretty crazy. But it's just like you're never right with me. I'm like, really? I'm not. Like, whenever you're upset, and you know, I'm asking you, Haley, what's wrong? Like you you seem off and you say no, that's the only time I'm wrong. She goes, Yep, only with me. Yep, you're never right with me. Yeah, I was like, but everybody else I get right. She goes, on the nose. I'm like, hmm. Interesting. Yeah, interesting how that works. It's funny how I can read everybody else, but not really my own wife. Okay. Right. And the ratio, the math isn't math. Yeah, no, yeah. And so we always just joke around with her whenever I see that she's upset. I'm just like, you're you're fine, right? You're then nothing's wrong. I'm I'm not sure. I'm just gonna make sure I'm reading this right because my what I'm reading is that you're not, but I'm always wrong with you, says on double check. So it's not like a running joke, but yeah, no, it's um, but you know, it's it's crazy. You can always put on that mask outside the house, but when you're home and your kids are eating that up, you know, and how you handle all those situations. Yeah. Um and then I know there's so I think there's some questions on there. So under fact one or fact two. Yeah. But were there any on there that do we hit any of them?

SPEAKER_00 10:27

We hit that small. Well, I hit the small moment at least because that was when I watched it. Oh, you don't?

SPEAKER_02 10:34

No.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

Oh, my bad. Um you stole my paper, man. No, I'm kidding. I I got on my phone. I mean, I I can ask if you want me to go into that section. Sure, yeah. I mean, if you if you want to lead it, you can. Yeah, let's try it. Yeah, I mean, obviously, um one of the tough parts as a parent is having to come to that realization that they are picking up so much of what you say, what you do, even sometimes how you enter a room is what they can pick up. Have you had a moment like that recently where you've noticed like whether it's Bo or maybe Les Haven, but maybe Haven, yeah, where you've noticed like that's my behavior that's come out in them.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

Oh, for sure. Like and with oh yeah, I think I think we spoke about it briefly, but with Bo, it's he anytime he gets he get he can't figure something out right away, and he gets he blows up, he just gets super frustrated, and it's it's almost like a like miniature like rage, you know, like his face gets tense, his jaw gets tense, and I can see it happening before he does anything. When I see the face tighten and his fists clench he'll start to either if George, for example, like jumps on him or takes some food that he's holding in front of George's face, and I'm telling him not to do it, but he does it anyway, um he'll get super frustrated and he'll try to hit George. He will he will hit George, our dog. Um yeah, just just oh yeah, just all yeah, it's our dog. And George is a trooper. Um and it and you know, he's three, so it's not super hard, but and I don't I'm not physical, you know, so the hating I don't understand, but that's just him not being able to regulate that feeling of frustration turning to anger turning to rage. And he sees me get frustrated, and I do get tense, not in the aspect of I'm tense at you, but just that's when I feel frustrated or anger, I will clench and like really just kind of like flex and tighten to release that feeling and then relax, and that helps me regulate it. And for him, he'll tighten and then it'll just go straight up like Bruce Banner, like this whole motion. Um so and I and I I really dislike it. Not from the aspect of I dislike that he's that you know what he like him, or dislike that he's expressing this emotion, but I dislike the fact that I'm the one who put that on him this feeling of getting tense and tightened and you know showing that you're angry. Because I do I said before in a different episode, but like I wear my emotion on my face, and so when he sees me frustrated, he's he can see me frustrated. Um so that's that's probably the big one for sure. That you know, if just this morning George did take one of his uh cheese sticks and bow flipped out, and you know, I just pull him off and it's like, yeah, fights over, fights over, you know, pull him off of George, separate, yes, off, off, off. No, but uh, yeah, that. And then with Haven, no, Haven's perfect. She seems like she, yeah, no, Haven's Haven the Great, but she does, she feeds off a bow. So I see a lot of with since they're so close, and I would love to do a study on that to see does if you have a second child within you know 18 months of one another, do they pick up more characteristics from sibling or parent? If because Haven and Bo are tight, they're sure best friends, and she now will emulate him in a lot of things that he does.

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Well, they say whoever spends the most time wins, usually whoever spends the most time wins.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

Because I and I like we work from home, we're we're very present, but somehow Bo just has more of a authority, authority figure, like over mom and dad, that Haven's like that's the woo, that's the way I need to act. But yeah, definitely that.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

Do you have you do you have any um yes, his facial expressions for sure, but mainly uh I mean he's young, funny facial expressions. Nah, his angry facial expressions. He looks like a perfect mix of his dad and mom. Every time we see him get mad, I'm like, and that's Shay, and there's me. There I am, right there. Uh that's learned behavior, no doubt. Um, and honestly, I don't I don't think it bothers me as much as it could because I understand that I do want him to see that I, of course, I'm gonna make mistakes. Of course I'm not gonna always react the way that I want to. What matters is that he sees me reconcile those differences and sees me come back to his, you know, mom or him or whoever it is and apologize and make up and hey, it matters that we're on good, healthy ground with each other. Yeah. I don't know that I'm gonna do that perfectly while he is as young as he is, but I do think it kind of ties into this idea of, you know, I think one of the traps, quote unquote, of fatherhood is that a lot of dads feel like they've got to make a big impact every day. Grand gestures, grand behavioral corrections, big things. When in reality, I think all of us understand that just, you know, with compound interest, small, consistent deposits over a long period of time go far more than large drops of emotion or correction or whatever that looks like. Have you found success in that? Have you found at least patterns in your life where you're like, actually, if I'm just more intentional on the day-to-day, it saves me from having to do a lot of these big quote unquote reactions.

SPEAKER_02 16:28

Yeah, um, I think the for me and with Bo, I I feel like the the consistency is of con of just showing up is crucial. So, for example, Haley always wakes up, goes to the gym in the morning, um, and then I'm always I'm always get up, go get the kids in the morning. So if they wake up at around 7:30, 8, 8.30, and it's always, you know, you know, dad, dad, I don't go out there and get them, wake him up. If it's if I'm if I don't go, then it kind of throws off the entire day. So I find that when I as long as I am consistent in, you know, I I pick a lane of, you know, this is always gonna be dad thing. Morning routine, that's always gonna be me. I'm always gonna be there, I'm always gonna show up, I'm always gonna be there for you. Nice. And I feel like if you start to be consistent, just picking something to do that is significantly you, it's you, it's you not significant, it's unique to you. So morning, morning routine, that's my dad. I feel like you know, it's like, hey, we're gonna be doing this, we're gonna be, you know, making pancakes, making waffles, doing this. And as long as you stay consistent with that, you'll develop a pretty tight bond. Um, and then your kids also know that and they expect that, and they it's something that you guys have now that's yours, and that has been, you know, then you start small the morning routine, and then you can go bigger, bigger, bigger. Um, and then it turns into a more of a structured routine of now that you have in, you know, for my calendar, because I can already hear people saying, I was like, I'm too busy for that, I I don't have time for this. And so that's why you start small, pick something in your day, whether it's putting them down for bed, if you work from home, nap time, or desserts, or after dinner, or whatever, taking out the trash, even having them come with you, take out the trash, and have that two minutes of time just be you and you and your kids, and having that be consistent, like a daily thing is crucial for every dad. That's great. And just because we can get lost in our work, we can get lost in our you know, the the honeydew list. And is it honey do honey to do or whatever it's like? Yeah, it's a honeydew list or and no shade thrown on the wives. Um, I love my honeydew list, it's great, it's important. Um, but if you don't pick something to make it yours, then everything's mom. And so then it's you kind of get put on the back burner by your kids, which you don't want. No. Um, but that's where the morning routine for me has been having that be that consistent, see, of kind of just being there. That's been a great factor for our bonding as me and the kids. Yeah. And bathtime. Nice. Dude, bathtime is it started off being Haley. Haley was doing it because I was uncomfortable with it. It's because I'm like, I don't how do I do this without do I dump the water on their head and just have them freak out? Yeah, right, yeah. Or yeah, waterboarding your children. She's like, ugh. Uh it was terrifying when we had bow. I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. She goes, You just bathe them. I'm like, how? What do you mean, just bathe them? Do I use my soap? She goes, No. I'm like, I see, I would have used my soap. And this is my loofah, put some you know, old spice, old spice on them. Like, you're gonna be smelling good, buddy. You're like, this is why we tagged in this. Yeah, yeah. And so so it started being hurting, and then we kind of switched off, and then now I I find myself I I love doing bad. Um, is there something that you that you're consistent in?

SPEAKER_00 20:07

Yes, I say the same phrase to him every single day. Yeah, and I usually just depends on where we are and what it looks like and everything like that. But I have noticed this is legit, and you can ask Shay. It doesn't always work for sustainability, but every time I start this phrase, he gets quiet because he knows where I'm going with it. I say, Shiloh, you are strong, you are smart, you are brave, you are a child of God, you are a man of God, you are my son. I love you, Shiloh James. Every time he could be, he could be throwing a temper tantrum. And if I pick him up and I say, you are strong, because I say it the same way every time, he'll he will literally, especially if I'm holding him, and he'll kind of lean into me for a little bit. And after awesome, after I finish it, he will occasionally, he will occasionally, if he's really upset, he'll go back to it. But there is this moment of solitude, and honestly, um we started it probably a few weeks ago, and I know that I know that I know that I have my greatest moment of impact in those moments. Yeah, because I am not just regulating his emotions or anything, I'm helping shape his identity. Yeah, and his identity will always be to his dad, that he is strong, smart, and brave. His identity will always be to his dad, that he's a child of God, he will be a man of God, he's a little young right now, and he's never not gonna be my son. And so in my mind, I'm like, man, if I remind him of those things every single day, then when I mess up or I don't do the right thing, or he doesn't do the right thing, what do we always go back to though? You're strong, you're smart, you're brave, you're my son. We're gonna make mistakes, but that part's never gonna change. Yeah. And I think there is something to that safety, that trust that we create in moments like that. That man, you Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna throw down. He's my son. We are gonna have some issues today for sure. But I want him to always be able to trace back to, but I know that I can trust my dad because I knew his heart before I knew his hand.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

I knew how he felt about me and how he saw me way before he ever took action to or against me in a situation. And I just think there's so much power in that. I mean, yeah, think of how a child's life can be shaped if you just remind them every day, you're created in the image of God. Yeah. You're God's kid, man. Like that is that is ultimately your identity because you'll always be my son, but I won't be here one day. And I need you to know who you are.

SPEAKER_01 22:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

Because when you're 40, and uh, you know, hopefully I'm live until late in life, but when he's in his 40s or 50s and I'm not around, I don't want him to have some identity crisis. Yeah. Who am I actually? Wait a minute. I know who I am because my dad told me every single day this is who I am.

SPEAKER_02 22:56

Steve, and that'll be something that he carries on like for forever. I hope when he's in college and having a hard time and not at home, and he'll he can look in the mirror and repeat that. I hope he hears my voice. Same phrase and just, I got you, dad. You know, and it's like, hmm. Yep. That's I can change somebody's life.

SPEAKER_01 23:13

I'm gonna cry, man. That's awesome. That's great.

SPEAKER_02 23:16

But I mean, but it's it's good that you do that because focusing on their identity, I mean, I think it's what it's like. 80% of their identity or characters by the age of three is already shaped. I think it's yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

The second fact, um, roughly 80% of brain development happens in the first thousand days. So birth to three. Uh the architecture being built right now is the foundation everything else sits on.

SPEAKER_02 23:39

So yeah, so you doing that for Shiloh and having that constant reminder of a daily thing that you do that's uniquely yours is helping shape who he is going to become. Yeah. And by the time he's three, where 80% of that development's done, he'll have that I am smart, I am brave, I am strong. Right? Those three, and not in that order. I know, sorry, but having those in that constant reminder of who he is with I'm a child of God, I'm a man of God, and you are my son, and I love you. It's having those ingrained in his in his identity is really gonna help his character later on, and among other things, and but that's for every dad out there. It's they're not in this what we the research that we did, but it there is there are other findings of when dads are disengaged from their children, especially in the early years, there is a bunch of such not issues mentally or anything like that, but issues with internal family bonding where there's really no authority figure, there's no connection, that there's a fear respect type of thing. It's I don't want to be out of respect for my dad because I love him and because I do, I I I don't want to um disrespect him or you know disappoint him. There is a level of that kind of you know respect of, and if you don't have that, because the first three years, if you're not developing that character, you're going to have someone that is lashing out, that is not going to fully respect you. And then you will have to try to fix that or course correct after, yeah. Which the research the research finds is dramatically so much more difficult to do after they're three. When that mind is already built and everything that has been put into that sponge of a mind in this first that like thousand days is already input, downloaded, and it's you know hardwired into now who that who that kid is. Yep, it's really difficult to course correct. Um, and when you do, it's more you're trying to, you know, into like, you know, how can we fix this and say, well, probably should have focused more in a thousand days instead of being disengaged.

SPEAKER_00 26:09

Yeah, but I feel like that really speaks to again, even just the Christian life. Christianity is not about behavior modification. And I feel that is a lot of what we would have to spend our time doing after those foundational years is just a lot of behavior modification. Don't do that, do that, don't say that.

SPEAKER_02 26:26

And it's like, well, why? Why? Right. And say, well, because you know, in the Bible, it says not that it's not that's not a good thing to do. Right. And it's like, what?

SPEAKER_00 26:34

And that's why I totally agree. Don't tell me you don't have time because that doesn't take me more than 15 seconds to get through. And I'm if that was all that I did for him, I do think he would be having some large gaps in behavioral development and stuff like that. But without it, I am convinced that the gap would be larger. I am convinced that I could be super present, very available, very aware, and even in his world and still not be shaping him, still not be impacting him, still not be molding him the way that God would desire for us to his family.

SPEAKER_02 27:06

Yeah. So and so I I still have that same feeling of with Bonehaven of am I am I putting in as much time as I can, like with everything that we're juggling, am I the time that I'm putting in with them, am I really showing up 100%? And after you know, doing this podcast together, it's I find myself, you're making me be a better dad. No, but seriously, it's doing more research on it. I'm just man, okay. I now I I need to show up a little differently. Of over like either kind of rethinking my approach of put the work that I was just doing or the email I just read or whatever it is behind me that does not apply to my family behind me. Don't think about it, put it away. Kind of the first conversation we had of you know, how do you leave it at the door and show up for your family and just be present and funny? And the best compliment I get from my kids is dad, you're so funny, you're so dad's you're funny. And I'm just yes, nailing. You know, just yeah, nailing it, making them laugh, having a good time, and that's all they want. They just want, you know, dad. Um, it's been great.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

And that's healthy because I feel a lot of us, if we had that knowledge going into families, going into parenthood, we would probably build our house a little bit different. Yeah. And so it kind of begs the question if you knew that from zero or day one, I should say, to a thousand, that you only had that window, you would probably build it a little bit differently than you would if you were just, oh, you know, I've got time, we'll figure it out, we can kind of kick the can down the road. What is maybe one thing or one tip that you could give dads that you are doing well right now that you think is translated? Whether it's a small act of consistency or just some regular, hey, I'm present in this way, and that I think is what's molding him more or her.

SPEAKER_02 29:01

I think I honestly think it's being present and giving your attention to your children when they're calling your name, like it giving them your full energy when they want you, right? So, and I get can can you do this every time? No. Because there are some times when, you know, for example, like if I'm on a meeting and I'm, you know, and Bo's banging on the door, I'm not gonna open my door and be like, sorry, everyone, let me get my, you know, he's screaming, you know, it's like you know, which I want to because I I do I love when he's just in the room, he's just fun. But I can't because there are other things that in that moment that is the urgency and everything else, it's the meeting is urgent because I'm on the call and things like that. But you have a choice to engage when you are doing family time. If your phone is out and your son or daughter is wanting to show you something, engage with you, or wants to, you know, go those things, you know, dad, let's do the run game. Like basically, I just chase him. Nice. Um, and right then and there is your moment for this is my hero dad moment because all he wants is dad. He's coming to me, he wants me to run with him, he wants me to go play this game, he wants to show me something. If you say, hold up, one in his mind, this is more important than him. 100%. And so he's gonna start associating phone with okay, that's more important than me. And you know, when dad's on his phone, don't talk to him, don't do this, and which you don't you don't want that because sometimes you'll be on your phone and you're it's not important, and you do want to play with your kids. So the biggest tip I would say if you find that you get distracted with your phone, your computer, your TV, whatever it may be, any technology or anything, put it in a different room. Nice, and have at least 20, 30 minutes, an hour, hour and a half. If you are very, very fortunate to have a work-life balance that allows you to have more than an hour, two hours a day. Um just set that time aside, put it in your calendar, put your distractions away, and just be present with them and give them the energy back. My biggest thing that I do with Bowen Haven, I told Haley this when we were getting ready to add bow. I was like, I cannot wait to match his energy. When he's coming at me and he's like, Dad, I need to show you the coolest thing ever. I'm show me, what is it? I'm like, let's go see, let's go see, and then it'll be the blade of grass and even and I'll go out there and I'm like, that is the coolest thing I've ever. What what what kind of species is it? He goes, It it's it's grass. You bet it is. That is the coolest grass, you know, and uh giving them that I feel is the biggest tip I can give. You will feel silly, trust me, you will feel just a baboon. But doing it and just engaging with them at that level is so rewarding and fun because you're they're not gonna be this young again, and they're going to quickly grow out of that phase to when it goes from dad, look how cool this blade of grass is to dad, action figure is or this game, dad, hey, can you help me with my math homework? Dad, hey, uh, I need the 20 bucks to go to the movies for my date. Hey, dad, I'm gonna go to college, I'll see you in a month. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, done.

SPEAKER_00 32:44

And you're gonna pray that you can have that time back, dude. And if you're lucky, they'll come back. I mean, if if you're lucky, you'll get time with them when they're teenagers and young adults and stuff like that. I can't tell you how many families I know where the the son or daughter doesn't even want to invite the parent back into the relationship. I know. Where they get as a teenager and they're like, I don't want to hang out with my parents. Dude, that is literally my worst nightmare is that Shiloh would get to a teenager year and be like, I don't want to hang out with my dad. Now if it's I don't want to hang out with my dad, he's lame.

SPEAKER_02 33:15

That's more like sleepovers, too. It's I want them to be like sleepover at sleep sleep over Bo's house. And Bo's like, sleep over my house. Yeah, you know, like yeah, his parents are awesome. Yep, but not in awesome, you know. Let us do whatever we do. Yeah, let us do whatever we know. It's more they're just fun. Yep, you know. Um, but yeah, I I think that that's probably the biggest thing. It's and it all goes back to just not being passive, just be present. You're you're you were meant to be a dad. If you are having a child, it's a it is a blessing from God that you are having this child and treat them as such. If I, you know, were to bring you this child and say, Hey, this is God's child, you're gonna take care of it, you would probably one panic attack. Totally. What? And then two, you would probably be trying to figure out how do you raise God's child in a way that is going to bring him up to honor him because I don't want to make him upset and give him all of your love and everything else because you don't want to, you know, raise God's child as someone who does not emulate God. Yeah, do the same for your children because that's what they are, and it's just be present for them, love them, discipline them when they need to be disciplined, not when you need to be disciplined, and you take that out on them and just love them, it's that simple.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

Yeah, I think you touched on a really important thing though, and maybe this word is gonna change some people's lives when I say it, but it's this little word called boundaries. Yeah. If it's I don't 5 and 8 p.m., I'm not gonna check my phone. Yeah. Not because I don't care about the world around me or my friends or anything that, but because my son goes to bed at 8 o'clock, and so I'm gonna be present from the time I get home to the time he goes to bed because and Shay actually checked me on that one time, and I don't think I'll ever forget it. Me sitting on the edge of our couch. He had Toy Story on, and he kind of is doing his own thing, he's getting up, watching it, kind of interacting with us here and there. But I was sitting there just kind of scrolling, I think it was just on Instagram, and he was standing right here and he was just looking at me, and I wasn't even paying attention. I just was scrolling and scrolling and scrolling, and Shay kind of tapped me on my arm and she was, he wants you, he's looking at you. And I obviously immediately put my phone down and picked him up, and we sat and we watched the movie together. But yeah, I just you're gonna make mistakes, and that's not what this is about. This isn't about batting a thousand as a dad for sure.

SPEAKER_02 35:45

Yeah, so anyway, uh, you're gonna make mistakes. Yeah, you're gonna you're gonna pick the wrong thing.

SPEAKER_00 35:49

But I do think that a lot is to be said about how quickly you make the decision, I'm gonna do the next right thing. Yeah. So if if I have been doom scrolling on my phone for an hour and I do see my son and he does want to engage, I'm not gonna look at that and then willfully go back to whatever I was doing.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

Which sounds so obvious, but really isn't so many people will get that tap on their wife from their wife and what he wants you to do. Or yeah, yeah, I see him. He's fine. It's I just give him two minutes. Yep. It's all right.

SPEAKER_00 36:19

I'm so guilty of that. Let me my catchphrase is let me just finish. Let me just finish this. Let me just finish. Is that what's gonna be on the tombstone? Let me just yeah, let me just finish the Gmail. Here life's got let me. Let me just reply to this real quick. And it's yeah, I just I don't want that to be the story of my life where it's yeah, I got to him, but I got I gotta take care of my stuff. You know what I mean? Well, that is my stuff. That's my whole life right there. Jobs, relationships, a lot of that stuff comes and goes, but my family's on my tombstone. Yeah, that's what ultimately is gonna carry us through. So yeah. All right, let's go to number three. Uh, the third kind of fact that uh will shock you is neural connections that are tied to motivation, self-regulation, communication, and self-esteem are all formed in this window. Or they're not. Yeah. And that's the tough thing. So science is obviously showing us that they are significantly harder to build later. Does that create a sense of urgency in you as a dad to get it right but not feel the pressure or the weight of getting it right all the time? I don't what do you think when you hear that?

SPEAKER_02 37:24

I it's hard because I feel the a lot of that does a lot of that does make sense when it comes to but it I don't I don't know. I I feel it's a lot of pressure because where do you find moments to push on that kind of the self-esteem and everything else? Because when I'm thinking about it, I just I'm obviously completely wrong because the fact is that it's all developed within that window. Um the whole self-esteem thing, I don't ever remember for myself being uh concerned with my own image or how I look or feel or how I come off until I was maybe in college or high school, high school maybe until until I was at a level of in within like my age of being able to hear people's either words or whatever and really have an impact on me to where I cared about what they said until maybe in high school. But now I haven't really even thought about this until you just asked. Of just I do have friends that dealt with it when they were much younger, and it was a big issue. And bullies and everything that are very real and they suck. Um, they do, they're they're they it's they just but then again, it's more it's it's not they suck, they just it's the parenting of that child and it's how they were formed, and all we can do is pray for them. And it's also my biggest advice is is always been if you ever have a bully or encounter a bully, just ask them, are you okay? Are you okay? They will not know what to say. They'll either say, I'm fine, and so no, are you okay? What's happening? Do you need to talk? Don't lash out. If you try to connect with them, they're either gonna freeze up and they're gonna walk away, or they're gonna get angry with themselves and walk away because they don't really know how to handle the situation. They're looking for a reaction out of you to either get aggressive with them, call them outs, and then that their their um their actions are now um uh what's the word looking for? Are they they're now it makes sense for them to be acting this way? What's the word? Uh justified. Justified, yes. It's like so now since you lashed out, they're now justified in what they're doing, and so they now don't feel the guilt of wanting to either hit you or beat you up or make you feel lesser than you are. But if you do not give them that, and you just are truly are you okay? Do you need to talk? What's going on? They're not gonna know how to handle that. And it has worked for me a couple times. Um, and I haven't I've only been bullied that maybe once or twice, so I've only tried it twice. But um, anyway, so now with that in mind, relating back to the question, I I'm gonna be focusing a lot on that now with the kids of that self-esteem of and really trying to get their because self-esteem is huge, and I think if you don't, if you have really low self-esteem, then it all goes to if you're not strong in your found in their foundation, so making sure that they're strong and knowing that they are an image bearer of God and that they are a child of God, and that mom and dad love them, we're always here for them, and that they can do whatever their mind or whatever they feel that they can accomplish, and that whatever they you know hear from God and what God helps them do, anything is possible for for them. And no matter what people say, do whatever, it's just worry about God and your family and your friends and serve them, and you can always pray for those people, but you're perfect in every single way that you are. Yeah. Um, I'm now that's gonna be one of our things that I'm gonna be trying to talk with Haley about because I didn't know that. Now all of those things.

SPEAKER_00 41:35

Yeah. And honestly, reading that list again motivation, self-regulation, communication, self-esteem. The obvious ones to me are communication. Obviously, there's a lot of communication in that window. I would even say self-regulation, teaching them that I need to work with Bo on how, what degree? Well, I'm not great at it, but you know, it's important that obviously it's formed. But how hard is that? How do we react?

SPEAKER_02 41:56

Different things that how hard is it for you to not lose it when not lose it, but like it. I do you find it difficult to when when for I I don't know if you've had that experience with Shaw, but when he is so upset about something that is no big deal at all, but it's the world is ending thing for sure, and you're trying to calm him down and it's not working, it's not working, then he lashes out with either squeezing your skin or hitting, and then do you find yourself getting frustrated with that person?

SPEAKER_00 42:33

I do, absolutely. How do you how do you regulate? Not well, yeah, yeah. It's like no, no, not great, not great. No, I learned. I mean, this is where genuinely I feel I've become by necessity just more patient and learning what it actually looks to be a dad, which is well, if I freak out, well, for sure he's gonna freak out. So I've really got two choices here. I can die to self, I can decide to not feed my flesh, yeah, or I can and I will get the fruit of both of those actions. You know what I mean? Yeah. The other just the other day, we were riding in the car and he was just overtired. He was just kind of, yeah, just in a mood, but he was wailing. And of course, it's it is hard to sit there and drive the car and go, I have the mind of Christ and I have the peace of God, you know what I mean? And you've got this, you know, toddler back here that's just losing his mind. But I'm just constantly reminded that if he really is the sponge that he is, then even in his worst moments, he's still watching how I react. Yep. He's still seeing what is my dad gonna do about that. And I wouldn't obviously ever want to ingrain a pattern where he gets upset, so I get more upset and he sees that, and that either elevates him and gets him more upset, or it teaches him to never get upset because that makes my dad mad and I don't like what people are gonna say uh that's scary. That's scary, right?

SPEAKER_02 43:54

Yeah, I never want my kids to be scared of me. Right. I want I want them to fear how much they love me.

SPEAKER_00 43:59

For sure. I mean, I don't what feared or respected, both. I want them to be afraid. Yeah. Of how much of it. Well, it's Michael Scott, the the office.

SPEAKER_02 44:06

Yeah, the office.

SPEAKER_00 44:09

The two that kind of shocked me though, motivation. Yeah. I didn't expect motivation to be that in there, but I also do tie it to self-esteem. And I guess I just didn't realize how early on self-esteem really does come to the forefront of somebody's life.

SPEAKER_02 44:24

Yeah, but you're already kind of doing the right thing. With with that kind of mantra of, you know, telling him and the or the affirmation kind of those, I feel that's a great way to kickstart that part of the brain and that kind of the confidence of self-esteem, of making sure he knows who he is before he's fully developed yet. You know? And I think you're doing a great job of reminding him daily or whatever the cadence is that you do of those. And when he gets to a certain age of being able to repeat that back at night, we always say, you know, now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord, my soul to keep, Lord be with me through the night, keep me safe to morning light. Now Bo can say it, he says it every night. Haven can say little bits and pieces of it, and it's the cutest thing. And um, you know, so I it's like it does get ingrained, and then they will pick up on it. And as I think with their identity of with what you say to Shiloh, I think that that's huge, and that will really help with the self-esteem aspect of especially when it gets to the point of what is that when you when he says it and he goes, What does it mean, child of God? And you're like, I've been waiting for this question. This is it, kid. Sit, sit down. Yep, it's about three of those. This is what it means, all right. And yeah, then trying to figure out a way to break that up into a 30-second snippet for sure. Um, but I think that that's huge because he will end up asking questions, you know.

SPEAKER_00 45:46

And the one that I'm really waiting on is in one of his lowest moments to still say that to him, just to reinforce this. Is not about your behavior does not earn my love. And I feel that will naturally teach him what the heart of God looks like first, which will make it way easier for him to connect with God, which is the whole reason why I think I'm here anyway. Yeah. If God entrusts me with this child, then the best thing I can do is give him the most accurate picture of Heavenly Father. And my gosh, we all know that we will be worlds apart. I mean, you cannot even compare even the best dads with a Heavenly Father. But the more that we can demonstrate the character, I think that's why motivation kind of surprised me a little bit. Because I was a man, the more that I demonstrate it, is that really gonna motivate him to be like, nah, when I'm down and out, my dad instills confidence in me. And that makes me that makes me actually rise to the occasion, not shrink back. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's such an interesting thing.

SPEAKER_02 46:46

And even just watching you, because I now I'm thinking about all the times that I will either maybe I need to do work in front of him more when I get frustrated and I don't give up, and I keep going to figure out the line of code in the in the website that needs to be fixed. And I'm looking through thousands and thousands of lines of code testing different things, the website will crash and have to reboot it, and then you know, then it's you know, just not giving up and just continuing to do it, or he because he watches us work out, and so I'll do the one rep max and everything else, and I'll try not to give up and you know keep going and I'll get it, and he'll go good job, dad. Yeah, man, high five. And that I love those moments working out in the garage with him, but especially when it comes to work, not just to fitness, but you know, because I don't want him to ever be the one to just quit, right? I was that person in my sports, I didn't want to put in the effort, I wanted to quit. I was I was naturally good at almost every sport that I played, minus baseball. I wasn't great at baseball. So I'm not making contact with the bat, and I was scared of the ball. I got hit in the face. Yeah, I did not like that. But the I just I I was lazy, I was a sluggard. I I didn't want to put the effort in to be better. I don't know why I was fine with being I'm average. But your dad's not a lazy person, no, nor is my grandfather, right? Yeah, nor is my mom's dad, right?

SPEAKER_00 48:15

So it's I don't know where I got that from. Well, but that's but I think you're kind of making the point, right? It's not that was a uh characteristic of your family that got passed down to you, but because that was an element of you that wasn't naturally corrected over time, it just kind of became an element of you, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 48:33

Yeah, until college. That's how I feel until college, until I was sus, until I was a kicked out of Elon freshman year, uh winter term or winter break. We come home for a Christmas, I get an email from the office of admissions saying, you know, dear Connor Sykes, you are hereby suspended from Elon University. You are not allowed when you come back to campus, you can collect your things and go home. Uh you can, your options are you can go attend another university, get your credits, and reapply next year. I'm just like, what? Or which in the emails, or and you know, very little or there's a very less likely chance, or there's little to no chance that you can write a letter of appeal. It's not really gonna go through, but you can all be off for that. I had to write to my parents, and this was the turning point, the fork in the road of I need to not be lazy, the slugger anymore of just not give putting in my effort. And that was when I had that. It took that, if you want to talk about as what you need to change the course correct, it took that to course correct me. Not anything from my parents tried all the way through high school to course correct the the slacking off in school, and it never clicked. So, parents, dads, just know the first thousand days, the course correction after can take almost 18 years. Yeah, wow. Um, but truly it it took that long. And that letter um or an email that I got, that was the course correction. There needs to be a huge shift here. I wrote the letter of appeal, I ended up I was able to go back and stay. So I was never, I never missed this semester, and I thank God for that. And that was a truly God moment that that did happen, that I was able to go back and I was able to attend and everything else, because that's where I met Haley. Um, if I didn't write and I was continue to be lazy and I just said whatever, I'll just go to HCC or whatever, um, never would have met her. Wouldn't be talking to you probably. So, and your shot at this very nice school that you really had no business going to in the first place. Elon's a great school. It was the fact that you got in is kind of a miracle. Um, it was more, I think it was because my sister was a uh student there, so the alumna, I think. Yeah. Um, but and then I just threw it away. And it still to this day, I'm like, why did I do that? And I just thought that I was living my life for myself and whatever. But yeah, it um that was that was the that was the course correction that that I had, which was wild. It's a big deal. Yeah, it's a really big deal. But the whole thing, that motivation I would definitely say is it's not I never really thought about that because it's something that isn't really passed down, right? You know, everything we always say say, Oh, it's well, I get it from my dad, I get it from my mom. Those things though are behaviors that I feel you teach yourself through experience and watching and one to three. I never really thought that one to three would be that range.

SPEAKER_00 51:37

Where I really do get a lot of my motivation based on my early years, yeah, not just my dreams and hopes and things when I am applying for schools. Yeah. You know what I mean? Which is crazy, really crazy. But I do think it leads to one really good kind of wrap-up question, if you will. So we've talked a lot about how important it is from zero to a thousand. We've talked a lot about how it can be difficult after that mark to change those behaviors. So, to the dad who already feels like he's behind, how would you kind of what would you leave him with? Would you say it's ever too late to step in? What's kind of the approach that they could take to make sure that they are doing the right next thing, even if they haven't in years or days, weeks, months, whatever that looks like prior?

SPEAKER_02 52:24

No, I just want to read it. What's if a dad's the last question? If a dad listening to this feels he's already behind, what would you say to him? Is it ever too late to start showing up? I would say to the dad who already feels like he's behind, you're you're doing great. Don't if you feel you're behind, then you are already in a place of mind where you're acknowledging the fact that uh you need to make a change. If you are behind and you don't think that you are, that's a different topic. If you're way behind and you're not present and you're like, I'm doing everything right, that's arrogance. And but if you feel behind and you know you feel behind, then I would say you're doing a good job because you feel that. Um and it's not too late at all. I feel you again, it's it's the presence thing. It's you can find I I I I really dislike the excuse of the I don't have time. I I cannot stand when it comes to people who walk into the gym and they I'm trying to sign them up and they say, I just I don't have time in the day. I'm everyone has time. Everyone, and it's not trying to make you know our life sound, you know. We figured about it's like Haley has her own business. I have Nueverists, and we both own Hotworks. We have two kids, two dogs. We're we both work from home, we only have a babysitter once a week. They'll serve a church every week. Serve a church every it's it's possible to find time, you can do it. It's you need to just stop prioritizing yourself over other things, and that's all it is. I I it's it's such a a mind game of putting yourself of oh, like my feeling of I need a break is more important than the 30 minutes or the 15 minutes of showing up to be fully engaged with your kids. Yep. Do you want to do it in that moment? Maybe not, but I promise you, for the dad who does feel behind, if that is the reason, if you can't find the time, if work is beating you up at work or when when you're at work and you come home and you're exhausted, if whatever it may be, if you just for 30 minutes at night in the afternoon, morning, get yourself in the mindset of a child, truly of a child. This is my trick. I just go, I'm no longer 33, I am now five years old, I'm three, I'm going to be with my kid and just try to make them laugh and have fun so that they relate this moment when they think back on it. That was so much fun with that. And those, it does not have to be extravagant or anything, no gifts or whatever that is, because gifts and things that you give them will, by experience, get broken, lost, or they will not get so don't worry about that. Just show up, play whatever game they want to play with you, or just get creative and think of a game, tag around the house, or heck, I mean, literally anything. Bo has most fun with ping pong balls. We'll throw them and we'll play beer pong. We'll set up cups and oh, try to get in there, and he'll try to throw it. And he has so much fun doing that. And just doing those little things will have a lasting impact on them, then more so than any gift will, or anything that you think will buy the time that you've missed back, you know. And I would say that's my biggest tip is make time if you don't have if you don't have time, or if you say you don't have time. Make the time. It's your family. You have time for your family, prioritize them. And then just forget about your ego, forget about how you look, forget about the silliness of it all, and just get on their level and just have fun. Truly. That's that's the best advice I can give. That's great. Because I feel a lot of men just they look at it as that's childish. I'm not gonna do that, dude. I will sing belt out in publics, frozen with Haven and Bo. Sing full out, people staring. What in the world? But I find that people who are staring are smiling and laughing because they're look at that. That's awesome. And yeah, it's like I just I don't care about anybody else. I'm focused on you. If you want me to sing, I'm gonna sing. If you want me, it's a monkey, you want me to dance, but not to that extent. It's just more just they just want to have fun with dad, you know? Watch an episode of Bluey and then mimic Bluey's dad. Do what he does. There you go. Seriously, it's the best. But yeah, I think that that's the best advice I can give.

SPEAKER_00 57:24

It's a good word. What about you? Yeah, Ephesians 5, 15 through 16. Be careful then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise. Uh, redeeming the time for the days are evil. Some translations say making the most of the time or making the most of the days because the days are evil. Yeah. The whole process or whole thought process behind those two verses is time's fleeting, and you're not getting it back.

SPEAKER_01 57:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:47

And um, yeah, I mean, there are so many days where I can come home and not want to do it, and I just have two choices, and it doesn't make anyone better than anybody else, or more disciplined, or more committed, or anything like that. I think it is genuinely about just kind of stopping, pausing, and really taking time to evaluate who do I want to be?

SPEAKER_01 58:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:06

Do I want to be this for them? Or do I kind of want to just go do my own thing? And I'm not saying that doing your own thing never has a time or a place or anything that, but um, yeah, those moments over here are less and less as time goes on, maybe even less and less impactful as time goes on, just because of how many different influences are in their life and stuff that I would just never want my kid or kids to grow up and think my dad prioritized me when he wanted to prioritize me. Yeah. And um, yeah, if development at that young age really is that important, then it should give us a lot of hope that at this age we have a lot more influence than we think. But should it should also serve as that warning for if I don't take this time seriously now, that means I'll have to take even more time to do this the right way later. And um, God is faithful, God is merciful, God is compassionate, He will lead you, He will guide you and help you. Um, but that doesn't mean that God will magically make up for all the things that we missed. He is a just God, and sometimes that means we gotta lay down our own preferences. Yep. But amazing. Who knew that child development was that essential? Yeah. At that young of an age.

SPEAKER_02 59:21

Yeah, so so the three facts were that but it was um your brain is the your toddler's brain is twice as active as the adult brain. Yep. And 80% of the brain is already developed by the time that they are three, the first thousand days.

SPEAKER_00 59:35

Yep. And then the third one was connections to motivation, self-regulation, communication, and self-esteem all formed during that window.

SPEAKER_02 59:45

That's so wild.

SPEAKER_00 59:46

Just a little bit of uh formation happening.

SPEAKER_02 59:48

Yeah, so it's like you're you're if you're looking at your if you're looking at your child out, they're just they're toddlers, what? And so, dude, they are incredible machines, like they're just taking it all. But um, if you wouldn't mind closing us out in prayer, yeah. Absolutely, yeah, that'd be great.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:03

Um, kind of our anchor verse for raising arrows in general is Psalm 127, 4. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. I don't know about you, but I want some strong arrows. I do when I go to war in the name of the Lord one day. So yeah, wherever you're at, unless you're driving, close your eyes, receive this from the Lord today. But Heavenly Father, we thank you so much that before you are anything, you are our Father. And so we thank you, God, that you are merciful and gracious to your children and you desire for us to understand not just what your will is for our lives, but how to actually walk in it and see those things come to pass. So we thank you for every father, mother, parent figure who is listening. Lord, I do pray that you continue to help all of us step into not just who we are calling our children to be, but who you are calling us to be as well. We receive it. We thank you for it, Jesus, and we pray this all in your holy name. Amen. Amen.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:56

Awesome. We will catch you guys next week for the next episode.