The Identity Crisis No One Warns You About

No one satisfies you before the baby arrives and says, "Hey — the guy you've been for the last 25 years? He's gone now." But that's exactly what happens. In this episode, Connor and Pastor Scott get brutally honest about the identity crisis that hits the moment your child is born. Connor opens up about the guilt spiral of wanting just five more minutes alone in a parking lot, and Scott shares how the anxiety of "everything just changed" hit him on day one. Together they unpack why grieving your old life doesn't make you ungrateful, how to reframe fatherhood as your highest calling instead of your biggest loss, and the difference between godly conviction and toxic shame. Anchored in 2 Corinthians 5:17 and Christ's call to daily die to self, this is the conversation every new dad needs but no one is having with him.

Scripture Referenced: 2 Corinthians 5:17 · 2 Corinthians 7:10 · Luke 9:23 · Luke 7:23

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

One uh talking about the losing your old self to become a dad. Great.

SPEAKER_01 0:06

And you know, therefore, if anyone isn't cracking, I'm just gonna look up another verse that I feel like goes well with this. Oh dude. I need to quit using my phone though. I've got a Bible right here that's gonna look a lot better. I have like four if you want. Nice.

SPEAKER_02 0:20

Yeah. Yeah. Well, because I I keep going back and forth like with the um I keep going back and forth with the what's it called? Um the different versions. Oh yeah. Because I can't decide if um Yeah, there it is. Like for example, like Proverbs. I read the the New Living Translation or whatever, and that helped a lot. Yeah. Because I'm reading through and I'm like, this makes a whole lot more sense.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

Like more plain English, very direct, very concise. Like this is what it means.

SPEAKER_02 0:52

Like this this sentence is what like this is exactly exactly what I'm saying, you know?

SPEAKER_01 0:56

Yep. Yeah, our old production director, his name was Hans. He used to only read out of the NLT for that reason. Yeah. Yeah, he just loved it.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

But it's like, but uh does it ever worry you though, like how far the Bible has like has it changed a lot from like the original, like how it was written, like what Greek, Aramaic, Hebrew? Hebrew, yeah. Um because Hebrew, like the words, like what I sent you on Instagram, right? Like all the different like how one word has multiple meanings. And have you ever thought about how it could like am I reading the exact thing for sure written?

SPEAKER_01 1:32

Yes, you are. You're okay you are. Okay. You should go to the Museum of the Bible sometime in Washington, DC. It's like one of the coolest places, maybe on the planet, and it has it's like nine or ten levels of artifacts and history of the Bible. That's sick. You can legit see like original papyrus paper that like the Apostle John wrote the Gospel of John on. And they have like Yeah, they have like actual fragments where they'll they're like, This is like, and you can see like where paper has been like torn off and stuff, but they're like, you can see where like this is John chapter five, and like you can see verses one through three here, and then four through five are clipped, and then you can read the rest of the chapter, and they'll they have like live translations, so you can put it in your ear, and it'll read you legit like the Greek that's right there on the paper. It's unbelievable. That's awesome. It's unbelievable. Yeah. That's in DC. Yeah. I also have done like I've taken multiple courses on like the historicity and the authenticity of the Bible, and I have like overwhelming confidence that we're reading the legit thing. Now, the different translations and stuff that you read, I think you just have to be okay understanding what the intention of that translation is as you read it. Okay. So, like the most word for word would be a King James version or a new King James Version, which is still gonna be a little bit more like modern English. More thought for thought, idea for idea would be like a NIV or a ESV. I mean, all the no ESV is more like word for word, a little bit closer on the word for word. See, that's what I've been reading most of the time. That's what I would recommend people start with. Personally, I would recommend that they start with it. Why not the NIV? The NIV has specific sections of it, and I would encourage you to do your own research, specific wording or grammar that has been changed that I don't inherently disagree with, but back to the original conversation on multiple meanings. Yeah. I think the NIV can um how do I say this while still honoring like the Bible? You know what I mean? Sorry, I put you in a hard place. No, I think it it is just not phrased in a way that I would prefer people who are especially new to the faith to read it and understand it as. Okay. Yeah. The ESV being more word for word, but a very literal English translation, I think helps people understand a lot more of author original intent. Okay. Than the NIV, I think is what I would call the softer read. Okay. So you can read through the NIV because it is more thought for thought, with the foundation of knowing more word for word. I just don't think that it's wise to jump, especially like people who start in their faith and they start reading like the message, which is what I would call a paraphrase, not a translation, but they start reading the message and then they would go to like an ESV or a CSV, and they would be like, wait a minute, not two totally different worlds, but like the ESV in the birth of Jesus would describe Jesus as becoming the fullness of God in bodily flesh that you know was born on earth, the message translation would say that Jesus is one who moved into the neighborhood. No. I love I love the concept of it. Yeah. But if I'm just like surfing Christianity and I pick up the message tra uh paraphrase because, you know, it's it's more my vibe, then I can have a very different understanding. Yeah. And all close to it.

SPEAKER_02 5:19

It's like it's almost like it's not well. No, I mean it's it's almost like a looser kind of 100%.

SPEAKER_01 5:24

Luke 7 23, Jesus said, Blessed is he who does not stumble on account of me. And what he's saying when he says that is, blessed is the man who does not think that I am somebody who I'm not. Yeah. And I think reading things like that without having a really solid foundation can lead you to not believe Yeah, not knowing who Christ really is. Yeah. Which can be a dangerous game because then you can put your hope in something that Jesus never promises, even if he makes it available to us.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

So no, that that makes that makes a whole lot of sense. That's my speed a lot. Because I feel like yeah, because I mean, like the ESV was always something I think my my dad read, what I was started reading, and I I do I like the flow of it. It feels it feels more like I'm there reading it, almost like I'm I can I'm able to kind of put myself in the mindset of like this is what they said, um, because half the words I can't pronounce for. So like obviously this is what they said. I don't know what the heck they're saying. So um, but then NIV, uh it's it is easier just to read. Yep, you know, totally uh more modern kind of words that are replacing other words and just digestible. I think very digestible translation. For sure, for sure it is.

SPEAKER_01 6:36

I think uh this is my and new living translation's like I think a the tweener, yeah, right? It is a little bit oh really definitely not word for word.

SPEAKER_02 6:45

I feel like it's super short. I feel like it's super like just I feel like it's almost like uh I don't know how else the phrase, but like if Gen Z were to write the Bible and then be like, yeah, so this is kind of these these guys met these people and Jesus was like, yo, follow me, man. And they were like, cool, and then left.

SPEAKER_01 7:04

Now you would be surprised.

SPEAKER_02 7:05

So let me pull up, you'll like this chart, because did you ever see that video though of the uh uh the pastor who was like I found a Gen Z Bible? No, and like he was like, and this is a real and he'd read like a scripture from it, and it was hilarious. Oh, yeah. Really? Well, because they they put in all of like the slang words for it. Okay, and it's hysterical. It's just it does get the same point across, but it's like what this one will make more sense if I can get if I can pull it up.

SPEAKER_01 7:37

It is um basically a chart of Bible translations on the on the word for word, thought for thought versus paraphrase side. So NLT and NIV are actually pretty close on the more more paraphrase phrase, but still more thought for thought.

SPEAKER_02 7:56

Um why why why so many, do you think?

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Versions? So some of it is denominational, some of it is just literal, like, hey, you know, whoever authored the ESV version of it authored it for a specific purpose or like a specific people that has then made its way into an English translation. Like John Tyndale, when he translated the Bible in the 1600s, he wasn't like, here's the NIV, then here's the ESV, then here's the NKJV. You know what I mean? Um, I think they were all reading KJV back then. So that tells you how modern of an idea a lot of these different translations are anyway. Did you say KGB? KJV. Oh, I was like, did you say KG KGB? I was like the Russians. Oh yeah. They were involved in the early makings of the Bible. Yeah. Oh, so you're probably in a good balance. Like I'm reading CSB this year, which is close to NIV in the Thought for Thought. I have traditionally read ESV, NASB, NIRV, which is like the revised NIV. Um I get something out of it every time.

SPEAKER_02 9:07

Yeah. What do you use when you are when you give a message like in church? ESV. ESV. Every time. Every time.

SPEAKER_01 9:12

Yep. Yeah. Radiant, I think Radiant doesn't really like care. Pastor Aaron preaches exclusively out of the NIV, which again, I have zero issue with. That's our church. That's who he is. I would preach out of the NIV if he ever was like, hey, I want all the LPs to be preaching out of this. Obviously, no issue at all. Um, but if I have my choice, mainly because I'm just more comfortable with it. Yeah. I know the ESV much better than I know the NIV.

SPEAKER_02 9:40

Yeah. Well, I'm I'm happy I'm reading the ESV then. It's like, nice, there we go. I'm gonna be one of those smarter guys. Yeah, man, 100%.

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Uh like you got this is the this is a this is the ESV, surely. Yeah, because you have the word behold in there.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

And the NIV, I don't think.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

Those little things. I'm like, I'm like, see, nah, I feel like I'm in it. Like that's what I'm saying, man. That's what I'm saying. But that I gave you the NIV. I don't know why. No, it's okay. So I won't be. If I knew your preference. Reference-wise. It's like it's almost like wine. I knew your preference. It's almost like wine, red, white, so ESV, NIV.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

If I knew your preference, I would have leather bound, spiral bound.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 10:16

That is crazy.

SPEAKER_02 10:17

Uh but anyway, but so welcome back to another episode of Raising Arrows. Um, if you stuck with us through the tangent, I love it. I am one of your hosts, Connor Sykes, and with me as always is Pastor Scott Stewart. And today we're gonna be talking about losing your old self to become a dad and how this is something we all will go through as men. And before we kick things off, I did want to start with a scripture from the ESV Bible, which is uh 2 Corinthians 5.17. It says, Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, and behold, the new has come. Beautiful. And I I I love that verse, I really do. Because I think it can translate really well to men, young men and women, even too, as well. But we're gonna be talking about dads. So for the young men out there who are becoming dads and that are gonna be struggling with this identity crisis of having your old self basically be gone. Because no one tells you that. No one warns you before the baby's here, hey, your old the old version of you is now gone. And it happens and things will change, and your friend group will shrink, and your own reflection will even kind of feel and look different. But that's a part of it. And just like in the verse, it's you know when you have your first child, it's you are saying the old, you know, the old has passed away, the old you is now gone, and behold, the new has come, the new version of you, the new chapter of your life of fatherhood. And you can just uh either take it and run with it and embrace it, or you can really struggle in that phase of your life. And I'm curious, uh Scott, w when did it first hit you in that that moment of when child was born, that your old life or the old you was gone?

SPEAKER_01 12:12

Yeah, yeah. Something you struggled with? No, I think it's it is a natural thing to go through in different seasons and phases and cycles. And I think like let's look at this verse and kind of what Paul's writing to the church. He's saying that those who are in Christ, right, those who have made Jesus their Lord and Savior, they are new creations, right? If the old has passed away, the new has come, then part of the, I think, natural struggle in new seasons, especially fatherhood, is needing to remind yourself that the old has passed away and the new has come. That not just my life pre-fatherhood, but the things that I've actively worked to put away or get over in my life, no matter what that is. Like for me, anger was a massive issue, right? And it's still something that I'm working through and uh constantly trying to eliminate in my life. Well, you're doing great because you're just like a super happy guy every time you see you. That's very kind. That's yeah, you don't see me enough. But uh the reality is even as you are working through those things, even in like the difficulty, God does desire to remind us that we are new creations, we have a new identity. We actually can at any given moment repent and turn back to him and step into the purpose that he has for us. Yeah, like with fatherhood, it was that moment for me was very immediate where I realized like, number one, I didn't know what I was doing.

SPEAKER_00 13:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

Number two, it would never be the same. It would never be just like Shay and I waking up on a Saturday and being like, let's go to the beach today, yeah, let's go to Disney Springs today, let's do this, let's do that. And I mean, the the not that it's a problem, but the reality of the newness caused a little bit of anxiety in me. For sure. Just the natural, like, okay, everything changed. Yeah. Literally, everything changed. On September 3rd, 2024, nothing was ever the same in my life. And what an amazing gift, and what an amazing thing to wrestle with the Lord through. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. So even in that, I kind of had that moment where I was like, everything changed, and I need to number one, immediately frame that as the best possible news for me. Yeah. Because the second I believe in the lies, believe in the doubt, believe feed the anxiety, yeah, it'll grow. Oh, for sure. But the next thing I need to do is go before the Lord and ask for strength and wisdom and endurance. Because now that I don't know what I'm doing, I need help. You know what I mean? Definitely, you're definitely gonna need the strength. And you've gotta, you've gotta just be willing to say, I don't know what I'm doing, I need help, no matter what it looks like. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

No, it it it honestly is one of those things where, and I love how you said that you have to reframe because you know that's a huge part of it. Like if you are in that moment when your child's born and you are feeling the same things that we, you know, you and I both felt of like this that everything is changing now. If you reframe improperly, then you're setting yourself up for a really tough uphill battle. Yes, yes, and that's something that I wish I would have done in the moment when Bo was born, that I wish I would have reframed in the mindset of like remove self from my thought of like my thought process and stop thinking of all the all of the things that I can't do anymore because half of them I didn't even I didn't even do right. It was more just like, oh well now this is gonna be more hard, and now I can't just like go to Iceland or something. Yeah, I was like, I was like, we never even talked about going to Iceland, but I always wanted to go to Reykjavik. And it was just like, I don't know, like why why why is that even coming to like to mind? And if I reframed it into a mindset of like, you know, first this is a blessing, go to God for help, and how honored I should be, like just to have him in my life, just look at all the things that now I can experience with him, that would have saved me.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

But you live life forward and understand it backwards. Like I'm sitting here, certainly not trying to paint the picture that I every moment I was like, what a blessing this baby is. Yes, my God. Two days ago, I was like, yeah, literally not a blessing. How many times did I have to, you know, have a hard conversation with Shay or like have a hard conversation with the Lord about like, hey, I need to continually step up and be better in these areas of my life. I just think that's kind of like the encouragement that we should have for dads is yeah, it will get hard. We need to kind of keep that as the inevitability in this. Hard will look different for different people, right?

SPEAKER_02 16:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:52

And different things will be hard for different people. And that's okay where your story is. I think the encouragement is no matter where you are, you do have the opportunity to go to the Lord and say, Lord, I need you to give me the things that I clearly cannot produce for the betterment of my marriage, my fatherhood, my household in general, and truly learn that it is not by our might that we move forward.

SPEAKER_02 17:18

Yeah, no, it's it it it's not. And if it was, it would be impossible to move forward. For sure. And it oh my gosh. But yeah, not every day is gonna be great. And the best thing that Haley told me was when you feel like you're about to lose it, like, or if Bo or Haven, they're really frustrating you, just look at their little hands and just look at their hands and just like hold them. And every single time I would, like, I would immediately just be like, This why like this isn't really a big deal. Like, why it's getting me upset. That would work for you? Oh, yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, I'll just like hold their hands and just be like, they are so small, and like they it just puts it put in perspective of just there's so little, they don't know really what they're doing, why they're doing something a certain way. For sure. And the biggest thing for me is like disrespect, and so like when people are disrespectful, like adults, I cannot stand it. It makes me so mad. And Bo toddlers are just inherently disrespectful. But yeah, that's just who they are, they're just disrespectful kids, and they don't care. I don't the the best thing that I heard was toddlers are narcissists, they are by like the best, like by definition, it's an art you're raising a narcissist right now.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

And in the world, like actively having to curb that narcissist if you don't, then it just grows to get worse.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

And then it's like, do you actually have a narcissist on your hands? And so it's like, you know, but it's seriously, it's like the whole world is mine, everything revolves around me. I want this, you don't give it to me, I'm gonna freak out until you give it to me. And it's just like, you know, how you have to figure out a way to balance that and not lose your cool with it. Right. And especially if you lose your cool and give into it. That's just not that's just not good. Right. Double whammy. I've done that before. Double whammy. Yeah. But um seriously, yeah, like their hand, like looking at their hands, just realizing like they really have no idea what they're doing, and or the emotions that they feel are so big.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Dude, I have a lot of respect for that answer because I don't think that that would work for me at all. I am much more like of an internalizer, so I feel like I would have to genuinely I mean I do it, I do it now, sit there and check myself and think, what kind of dad do you want to model? Yeah. Right? Like, what kind of father do you want to model to be?

SPEAKER_02 19:31

It's like, you know how badly I can beat you, right?

SPEAKER_01 19:33

Dude, I mean bigger than you. I have told Shay since before that boy was born that it is my life goal to never let him beat me in an athletic competition, sporting event, like it's just not gonna happen. You know what I mean? We'll give in, we'll give in on well, he's huge, so I know it's gonna happen. We'll give in when he's young for like the confidence boosters and the ego and stuff. But I'm talking like when he gets like high speed. Dude, he turns like fifty-yeah, 15, 16, and he wants to go one-on-one, like it's just in my spirit that I just like let you win. And you you now can test. I don't want to go too far off, but you now can testify, especially to basketball, yeah, and how seriously I take that. Very and I was dying how disappointed I would be if my son actually beat me in something.

SPEAKER_02 20:23

Yeah, though uh yeah, it's gonna be a wake up call for sure. It's gonna be a wake-up call.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

I remember when I beat him pong. I know that. Yeah, he's gonna destroy me one day. But for sure. I mean, they all will, right? They're all gonna serve. They will, they will, and praise God for it. Yeah, oh yeah, for sure. Uh but I definitely have to do maybe like yours is probably more on the external, mine is more on the internal of like, hey, this is a great moment to pause to reflect on like what is the best actual option here, yeah, and then make your decision from there. Yeah. Still miss it sometimes. Who doesn't? Yeah, but you know what? It is um, it's part of it.

SPEAKER_02 20:58

But yeah, so that so but that was when, you know, so not maybe your life was gone. It was like you knew it in like right from the beginning, right?

SPEAKER_01 21:05

Yeah, I mean, it was pretty much when he was when he was born. And I won't say that I like went through like the grieving process right away, but I went through the mental shift pretty quickly in the terms of the understanding. Yeah. Like I now have two people who are dependent on me instead of just like one, and then me obviously trying to to feed her and help her and make sure she's doing well. So it's a lot of person. Yeah, it is. What was your kind of grieving process look like? Did you have a moment where you like grieved or were like willingly moving on from that old concept?

SPEAKER_02 21:40

I so I struggled with the right, so I I I struggled with more of the like the guilt, right? So I you know, here here's here's your your newborn and who you do who you love so much, and you're holding them. And a thought will come in that's just hey, like, don't you remember when you could just like grab your keys and go? And I I feel guilty almost like for feeling guilty about that. And it then it just causes this spiral of like I feel shame for the guilt. Sure. Of I'm holding my son, and yet I'm thinking in the back of my head, like, man, I wish I could just go. Like not leave, like not leave him. Oh, like I was just like, like I remember like back in the day, like just being able to grab keys and go, like wherever I wanted to. And now it's like this whole thing. And but yeah, I I would I just I would deal with like the guilt of is am I a bad dad for thinking this? Am I not being a good you know supporter to Haley? But does she think this? Does she feel this way? And I would never know. Haley's always like smiley and happy all the time, and so she's great. But I'm like sitting there and and yeah, that thought would creep in, so I would feel a lot of guilt with that. And um it's interesting, yeah. It it just it it was something that uh I struggled with at first, and then I realized as time went on that just because you know you're feeling that way, right? So you you you can grieve some grieving something doesn't mean you're ungrateful for what replaced it, right? And I had to come to terms with that. It was like I can feel this way, but I don't have to let it like dictate my next step with Bo. Like I can that thought can creep in, and it's like, yeah, I remember I can just get up and go, but now I can go with you. Yep. And now you can come with me, and now it's reframing. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's the reframe of and that it just took me much longer than that day. Yeah, like when he was born. It took me about four months, maybe. And that reframe finally when it hit helped me tremendously. Sure. And it most people would just be like, Well, yeah, duh, of course, you can just take him with you. But in the moment, it I was so scared because I'm like, I don't know what to bring. I don't know, like, or I do, but I don't at the same time. Like, am I gonna bring the right stuff? Am I gonna bring because you know enough? Yeah, he because it was so he was breastfed. Okay, and so we had our freezer is still full of frozen milk. And I'm like, how many do I bring? Do I have like the portable pumps that have batteries? Is it charge? Like, how do I heat that up and do this and all these other things? So it was it was more of like a down to a science of what you needed to leave the house, and unless with Haley, but if she was with me, you know, she's like the supply for everything, so it's much easier. But just me being able to get up and go, that was kind of gone.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 24:41

Um, until I finally got comfortable with it. But yeah, it it took until I realized that I can feel this way, but that doesn't mean that you know I'm ungrateful for what replaced it. Yeah. And I was I'm actually glad when you asked me that. If is there a scripture or anything that actually kind of validates that point? I wanted to ask you because when I was going through this, I was thinking, I'm like, I did feel guilt. I did once I realized the whole thing of you can feel this way, but that doesn't mean that you're ungrateful for what replaces it. If there's any scripture that validates that just because in the moment you have thoughts that are coming in that might make you second guess where you're at, second guess your purpose, that it's not inherently a bad thing. Right. It's how you handle the next step that matters.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

Yeah, 100%. And I have I have a couple things to sound for sure.

SPEAKER_02 25:37

But um one dude, that's why I I wanted to do this with you.

SPEAKER_01 25:40

Yeah, no, one that I think is good is this is 2 Corinthians 7 10. And you've got to contextualize this for this specific topic, but it says um, godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. So in this specific instance, the way that I would reply or apply that verse would be it would not be God's will for my life as a parent who has this child who is a gift from God to constantly be grieving the fact that I have this new life. Yeah. It would not be God's will for my life to constantly be lamenting or sad that this new life was my new reality, right? But godly grief would be in my mind kind of the opposite. It would be a lot of what I think we want dads to struggle with. Am I working too much?

SPEAKER_00 26:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

Am I not prioritizing my family enough? Am I, is God, number one, obviously, is God first in my home, right? Like the real things that if they don't line up, well, that's godly grief in my mind. That stuff leads you back to the Lord. And you don't regret thinking to yourself, man, I spent three more hours with my kids this week than I did last week. What could I have gotten done?

SPEAKER_02 27:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:04

And still feel like you're living God's will for your life. You know what I mean? Yeah. And obviously, balance context, like I said, but there's a pastor on the West Coast that I have a lot of respect for. He once said, and I'm kind of paraphrasing, um, true mental health is a commitment to reality at all costs. And I think for a lot of dads, especially new dads, one of the most important things you can do as fast as you possibly can in your new reality is commit to it. Yeah. Is say, no matter what this looks like, even though I know there are going to be frustrating days ahead, even though I know I'm going to be imperfect, I'm going to commit to this because this is what I prayed for. This is what I asked God for. Yep. This is what He's given me. Now I have a responsibility to steward this to the best of my abilities. And I think that's a beautiful, a beautiful kind of like reality to come to. If you find yourself struggling to come to that reality, I would normalize that. I would definitely say like it's the snap of a finger for some, more of a process for others. If you feel like you are unwilling to arrive at that conclusion, I would get help. Yeah. Because if you become a father and you follow Christ and you don't want to step into the reality of what that looks like, I would I would talk to somebody.

SPEAKER_02 28:29

Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever feel guilty about like, or did you ever did you ever even have like that? The grief part? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

Not as much as I thought I would. Genuinely. Yeah. More just like, I'm just going to do that. I mean, there was an adjustment period. There were definitely times where I wanted to go do something and I either couldn't because and there are times now where I want to go do stuff and I can't because I've either got shy or there's an uh an overlap between Shay having something to do or me or whatever. Um, pretty early on. I genuinely was just like, this is life. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I'm not gonna always get my way. Um and every time I do get my way, I need to guard what that looks like lest I become selfish. Yeah. You know what I mean? And like really start thinking.

SPEAKER_02 29:17

Like if you get your way and you I'm entitled to this. Yeah. That that's something that I had to check myself on of like when Haley would give me time like to go to work at Hotworks or go wherever, and like because we have to be there. I mean, that's our business. Right. Um, or we do like work different work days. I in the very ear not now, now it's actually completely opposite, but very early early on, I would find myself like going to speed limit, you know, go taking longer, and like I would I guilt was a big thing. I would feel guilty about that. Like, well, yeah, because I would get to like let's say it was she was giving me time to go work out at 45. I would leave early than what I would before. So I get out of the house, drive there, sit in my car, listen to the music as loud as I wanted to, go and work out and stay later, chat with my friends that were there, and then like it was like I was drawing it out. And I would get in my car to come home. That's what you're saying, and I would just sit there and I'd be like, What am I doing? Like, why am I like this is my family and I'm wanting to be away. And that's when I noticed like there was a big issue that was going on. Like, I'm I'm not all in. You okay, George? Mm-hmm. He's dreaming. If you can't see, there's a dog right here, and so he's twitching. Yeah, he's dreaming. Probably running after a ball or something. But and that's when I noticed like a big disconnect. And when I had that same I when I would do that same, it was like a pattern. And I noticed that uh thank the Lord earlier on, like right when it started to happen, maybe like two or three days in. I'm like, what am I doing right now? And that's when that reframe kind of that was the reframe. That was when I was holding, but and then I finally was like, I need to be all in, and that's like I'm going to be all in. I need to shift my mindset of, you know, I can I don't need to be ungrateful for you know this blessing that's in my life. And that helped me a lot.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

Well, and I think there's a big difference between like you getting what you need, quote unquote, and I took advantage of it. Constantly treating yourself, right? That's where I really do. And Pastor Aaron talks about this so well about like not buying into self-care and the self-culture because it will make you look in the mirror and think I'm entitled to a different life. You're becoming the narcissist, dude. 100%. And that entitlement will kill any godly pursuit in your home because you will think in every case, I deserve this. Whether you communicate it verbally or not, you will that's how that's the attitude that you'll adopt. Yep. And it'll rob you of joy in your marriage and in your fatherhood.

SPEAKER_02 32:01

Yeah. It's like if you don't communicate it, it's like he knows the intentions of your heart. Right. So it's like you better fix that. Yeah, it's good. But um, so as a pastor, then you know, how how if you have you had guys, you know, come up and talk to you and say, talk about this identity crisis or saying like I love my kid, but I don't feel like myself anymore.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

Yeah, I think it has it's come in different ways, right? Number one, a lot of guys aren't very vulnerable to to share the struggle, period. Yeah, you know what I mean? Pretty close. Um so when someone tells me, like, hey, I need to meet with you, I need to have coffee with you, I take that seriously, especially if it's a guy, because it's like, well, number one, if it's a girl, it usually goes to my wife. Yeah. But if if it's a guy and it's like in this season of life, I prioritize that because I know that they probably are ready to talk through some of what they're experiencing. Yeah. Um, I think the tough thing for guys is that kind of like foreburner effect in their life of like, I'm juggling marriage, faith, fatherhood, and finances, right? And I'm like really trying to figure out because finances would be work and everything involved in that. And I'm really struggling with one of them, usually is what they'll come to me. So on the fatherhood side, again, what we discussed, I think is it is good that you treat yourself with compassion and empathy, that you understand that no matter how you feel, you're probably not the first person who's ever felt that way. Yeah. What is equally important, if not even more important, than giving yourself compassion, though, is allowing the conviction of the Holy Spirit to be received in your heart to change you. You know what I mean? To genuinely be like, okay, in that case, I wasn't all in. I need to be all in. Lord help me be all in. And then it's taking the right action to go to be all in, brother. He's all in on this nap right now. So I think it's it is good. But Luke 9.23, I had it pulled up, um, kind of paraphrasing it myself, would be whoever does not take up his cross daily and follow me is not fit to be my disciple. Yeah. And there is a daily element of I'm I'm dying to myself. I'm taking up my cross. My life is not mine. My life belongs to, especially as husbands and fathers, my life belongs to my family. And where you are missing it, you are like required to pursue reconciliation in that. You know what I mean? If that's your marriage, if that's your relationship with your son or your daughter, if that's your relationship with the Lord, you've got to take the right next steps because you don't know what you would be missing out on through a single step of obedience.

SPEAKER_02 34:47

Yeah. No, for sure. And I I definitely I feel like that. That's when I was, when I was doing those things of like taking longer, leaving earlier.

SPEAKER_01 34:56

And seek understanding on that stuff, dude. Like take that stuff to your. I know this sounds so foreign to some people, but like take those feelings to your prayer closet. God, why am I drawing out my workouts? Yeah. Why don't I want to prioritize getting home quickly? What is it in me that isn't aligning to what I know to be how you would want me to behave? You know what I mean? Yeah. And then he'll talk to you about that stuff. Yeah. And you'll find out that he's gracious and merciful and super compassionate with you in your life. Yeah. But he'll spur you on to change. He'll spur you on to not keep coming home the same way every single time. Or leaving. Yeah, we're leaving. We're leaving.

SPEAKER_02 35:38

Awesome. Well, cool, man.