Surviving the 'Roommate Phase' in Marriage

Two-thirds of couples say their relationship satisfaction tanks after having a baby. Two-thirds. So if you and your wife feel more like co-workers running a daycare than the people who fell in love — you're not broken, you're normal. But normal doesn't mean you stay there. In this episode, Connor and Pastor Scott get honest about the roommate phase that quietly takes over your marriage when a newborn moves in. Connor shares how a sermon on date nights exposed that every conversation had become about Beau, and Scott breaks down the Gottman Institute's four horsemen — contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling — and why scorekeeping is the gateway to all of them. They talk love languages as a practical tool (not just a buzzword), the spiritual reality that the enemy either hates your marriage or has learned to love it, and why Ephesians 5:25 isn't a suggestion — it's marching orders. If you haven't had a real conversation with your wife in weeks, this is your sign.

Scripture Referenced: Ephesians 5:25

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to another episode of Raising Arrows. As always, I'm Scott with our co-host Connor, and I'm super excited to be joining you again. We are talking all things roommate phase in marriage. We talk so much about fatherhood and the intricacies of what that looks like, but also impossible to talk about fatherhood and not talk about the balance of marriage, especially for those who are new dads in God-honoring marriages. This is a massive, massive thing for a lot of men to tackle. And I think we touched on it a little bit in our previous episode about just not being willing to talk about the struggle or what you're experiencing. If there's one thing that I know that I hear a lot about in newlyweds or in new parents, it is this roommate phase. And it's vital, I think, to get things out in the air. Oh, for sure. It definitely is. Because if you don't, then you're just in a struggle. 100%. Yeah. 100%. We love bringing Bible verses into kind of our discussion. So where we're landing today is Ephesians 5.25. This says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. So we're not going to have a seven-minute theology session, but I think it's important to understand what this verse means. As Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. There is a component of every male in marriage that comes down to Am I willing to show my wife honor by preferring what she prefers over what I prefer? Super base level, right? Christ also gave himself up for the church and demonstrated love, but love also looks different in different circumstances. So love sometimes looks like properly leading the home, which doesn't always mean agreeing with your wife, but standing for what you need to stand firm on. But when you look at this verse, if it would have, if it wanted us to prioritize that level of it first, I think it would have said that. So giving himself up for her, loving the church, husbands loving your wives, it's vital that if you find yourself slipping into that roommate phase, that you become the spark, you become the ignition, you find a way to prioritize bringing the fire back. Yep. Whatever that looks like in this new season.

SPEAKER_00 2:15

Where you're put on your best cologne. 100%. 100%. Show up.

SPEAKER_01 2:18

Get some flowers. Yep. Show up when you need to show up. Like I think that is obviously a big kick. So yeah, I think one of the things that a lot of couples deal with is and a stat that I think supports it, their relationship satisfaction just tanking overall, right? It's terrifying. A recent study says that two-thirds of couples, now this is couples inside and outside the church, to kind of contextualize it, but 67% of couples in this study said that they did feel their relationship satisfaction dip in the opening couple of years as New Ventures parents. Yeah. Right. That is there, therefore normal to experience, right? You can at least identify if that's you, you identify with 67% of the population. That's okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:03

What we like wrong.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

No, but what we'd like to talk about is not being able to let that just fester and linger and stay there. So from your vantage point, where was that kind of initial marker for you? Did you have a moment? Was it like, hey, we're only talking about Bo, and we need to figure out like what this looks like? Did Haley come to you? Yeah. Did you go to her? Like what did that moment look like for the Sykes fam?

SPEAKER_00 3:28

It was actually, it was one of Pastor Aaron's messages about how you know he and Katie have date nights. Nice. Like it was like the seven days a week. Seven, seven, seven. Yeah, seven, seven, seven. It was that message. And we get back and we just kind of had a talk, and we're like, are I feel like we're living the life that he's like not talking about. Like, you know, we're right now, like we're not doing date nights, and we need to do a better job of that still. Um and it was kind of a just everything that we were talking about was Bo related. It was all, you know, like let's go like here, like with Bo, let's do this with Bo. And instead of the two of us, it became only the three of us, right? Like everywhere. Right. Which isn't bad. I mean, you know, we were still family bonding. Still family bonding and everything else. And when we would go out on a date, it's funny. When we would go out on a date, but we would still talk about Bo. You know? And I'm like, what are we doing? Yeah. Like, you know, it's like we're gonna be home soon, we're gonna see him. Now I do miss them. Like when we do go out, like we'll go out to dinners with our neighbors, and we're sitting there, and I'm like, I I wish our kids were here. I really do. And even though it's chaotic at times, but still. Um and but rewind when Bo was like just born. Yeah, it was that message from Aaron and realizing that we weren't doing that, and then the uh talking only about Bo, always having Bo with us, never really just taking time for ourselves to be together. Um, luckily we identified it early, and we never got to a point where we didn't know how to talk about other things other than Bo. Um and when we did go on a date, eventually, you know, it was like our first date again. It was like just you know, talking about the fun and whatever. Um, like nothing changed. But I could see if it continued, we definitely would have been in the trap of going out on a date and almost like I know you so well, and yet at this moment I feel like I don't know you at all. Right. Like not knowing what to talk about.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

Yeah, and here's how I would kind of phrase it, and I want to see if you agree with it. When you find yourself losing your love for somebody, it becomes far easier to lose your like for them at the same time. You know what I mean? For sure. And that has to be curved because if you lose your if you're falling out of love with your spouse, whatever that looks like, that is such a cultural term, right? If the spark isn't there anymore, let's put it that way. Okay, then then you also get like giddy. Yeah, then you I think you begin to treat that person differently. And when you start to kind of like, you know, either hold them in contempt or resent them or whatever that looks like, even if it's death by a thousand cuts, I think that is the slippery slope. Because then you start to now lose kind of your respect for them in the role or the position that God put them in in your life. For sure. And then you miss the boat entirely, you know what I mean? So if you found yourself even all the way down that road, like, dude, get date night on the calendar as quickly as possible. Hey, if you need to take your wife away for a little while, or wives listening, if you need to take your husband away for a little while, do it. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. Make that next step an intentional one because no one drifts the right direction, right? We tend to all drift outside of what we want. So it takes intentionality to come back.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

It definitely does. And it's it's one of those things where you know you to your point of like falling out of love with them, you falling you know out of like with them, and it's like that spark's on, you treat them different. Like they can see it. If it's if it's the if you know the husband, if you're the one that's losing the spark, she can see it. Right. And maybe she hasn't brought it up to you. Or if you're the wife listening to it and you're losing the spark, he can see it. And it's a weird thing to even want to bring up because a lot most of the time, if you're me, it's like whenever I ask Haley, like, hey, is something wrong? The answer's always the same. Right. I'm fine. Right. And we all know fine is you're not good. Fine is uh and or or yeah, or it's like I'm okay. Yeah. And it's like, mm, are you? That doesn't sit right. It's like that doesn't that that doesn't sound good. That doesn't sound or if it's like it like the if the cadence is too quick, yeah, like I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm like, eh, no, no, you're not. That is not true. Yeah. Um that's hilarious. And so, but when you are getting into those moments, but then they're treating the kids like everything's fine, like, you know, because they're not falling out of love with them.

SPEAKER_01 7:58

The spark's still there for them. No, yeah, you're like, you're clearly upset with me right now.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Yeah, yeah. And it's like, don't think that you can just not talk about it. Something that you need to talk about and address. Um, because on the other side of that, the person who has no idea that you're feeling this way does see it, and maybe they they've tried to talk about it, but you don't want to open up about it because it's almost it's a scary conversation to have. Um, but don't let it be scary because you are with 67% of people out there, and you're not if you know you are wanting to fix it, then just take that first step and do it.

SPEAKER_01 8:35

Totally, I totally agree. I know one of the things that I struggled with early on was just this idea of like balancing, yes, prioritizing her and prioritizing our son, but also prioritizing like how well each of us is caring for our son. You know what I mean? One of the traps that I got in early on was just kind of the idea of like, even though we really tried to stay faithful on like the routines and stuff like that, when I was low, right? When my flesh was speaking more than my spirit, I would do things like compare the amount of either time or work. Oh, keep score. Keep score, I would do things that I think are I still do that sometimes. I do too. I do too. I just didn't want to say it out loud. But things that are certainly. Well, that's why you that's why you have the layman here. 100%. 100%. Things that you don't want to be like ever okay with doing, but obviously when you do realize that you're doing them, like, hey, where's that coming from? You know what I mean? When's the last time that you felt like you you played that game? Dude, this is this last time. I was gonna say, then I'll tell you how to do that.

SPEAKER_00 9:39

This last weekend for sure. Like I felt like I felt like and you know, I I didn't let it like get to me or to the point where I acted different towards Haley or anyway. But I for sure in my head, I was like just keeping like little tallies, you know. No, and I'm like, I'm so selfish, dude.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

I'm so selfish. I mean, my wife didn't.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

That's how I felt I was like, what?

SPEAKER_01 9:59

My wife is doing important things, and I'm like, hey, I've had him like a long time, you know what I mean? And it's like it's like I need a break. Yeah, it's like, come on, man.

SPEAKER_00 10:10

But then but see, but that that that's like uh the conversation we had earlier. It's like the guilt comes in. Right. Because then I'll be thinking, I'll be thinking that same way. I was like, I've had them, you know, I feel like all day.

SPEAKER_01 10:19

Dude, and honestly, if my wife came to me and was like, I need time, I mean, I'm sure there are times where I'm like, do you really? But but but I would like to think that for the most part, I'm like, hey, you need time, you've had a long day, whatever that looks like. Yes, I will take him. Of course I'll figure out what that looks like. It's like the learning what, where to be fair and where to spot, like, am I being a hypocrite here? Yeah. Like, if they ask this of me, would I be willing to step in and do this? Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

Yeah, oh yeah, for sure. And it I I like, you know, I I I now with this all in mentality that I had, you know, over two years ago now, of like that mind the re the reframe of you know, instead earlier I would probably be like, no, I can't, like I've I make up like a meeting or something for someone. Right. And again, thank God that this mind shift happened or the reframe happened. And now it's like I I will always say, like, yeah, you know, for sure, like you go do your what you need to do, I got them, you're fine. Yeah. Um but I will keep that as like a tally. Yeah. Like a score. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you go do your I got them, it's like one. I'm like, why? Why am I doing that? And I I I feel like it's because and please women don't take this the wrong way, but like I feel like women are like mental terrorists. Like they're so good at playing the mind games with you that I never you never really I'm convinced you will never really know what they're thinking ever. Really? 100%.

SPEAKER_01 11:49

Like there's I think I know what my wife's thinking sometimes.

SPEAKER_00 11:51

I feel like they're very strategic with like definitely that. But and like men, we're just like dogs. We're just like, oh yeah, this is what we're thinking. Sure. Um, but it's like they're so strategic that now I'll keep the score because I'm hoping to outsmart them, outsmart her, and be like, it's like, well, I did this this week and this, this, and this, and it's like what? See, yeah, so I can keep score too. I can remember things, and I realize very early on that still doesn't work in your favor uh for for husbands, and it it kind of results into a argument of why you're still wrong. And it's like, I am wrong, you are correct, because that's an awful thing to even do. Yep. Um, so if you are keeping score, try not to. Yeah, do your best. It is hard. Yeah, it is hard. And honestly, or maybe don't bring it up.

SPEAKER_01 12:43

Well, that's why I love that Ephesians 5 verse, because it when it says, you know, husbands love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, it's not a conditional thing. You know what I mean? Jesus's love was an unconditional, like, I mean, on the cross, forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing. Like, man, how much more beneficial would it be for me in my marriage and my parenting to look at the people around me and say, I should forgive them. Yeah. They may not even know what they're doing right now, but a lot of us take the opposite approach. And honestly, if you want to get real for a second, the Gottman Institute, which is highly reputable, both marriage and kind of parenting research center, talks about these four horsemen. And I think one thing you talked about, keeping score, can lead to some of these, if not all of these, right? Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. So obviously, stonewalling just being like, I'm shutting that person out entirely. Defensiveness responding to everything with a butt, right? Criticism, obviously just poking holes at the other person as much as you can. Or contempt, which is genuinely like the you're not doing what I'm doing, your sacrifice isn't my sacrifice, so I look at you differently now.

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

Dude, again, I feel like we've said this so much. You can normalize that, but you cannot treat that as continually normal. No. You can have a moment where you recognize like, I'm holding this person in contempt, I'm being overly critical, I'm being overly defensive, uh, or I'm like pushing this person off and like I shouldn't do that. But the when you recognize it, you are responsible for then saying, What do I need to do to now give myself up in this situation? And that is why it is Christianity in general, obviously, but especially the Christian way of doing marriage is so countercultural.

SPEAKER_00 14:39

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

Because it is genuinely like where a lot of men would tell you to dig your heels in, make your point, win the argument, hold your ground, be strong. That's the man's job. The Bible almost directly contradicts that by saying, give your position up.

SPEAKER_00 14:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:56

Outhonor, outserve, outdo the other person, and see what the result of that is. Now, you know, like I said, who said it was easy? I said it was simple. You know what I mean? But it is, it is the goal, right? And so, for y'all, I mean, I can, I'll be honest, we dealt with some of these for sure in different seasons and to different degrees. But did y'all ever feel like you walked through any of like the contempt, criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling? Like, did that creep in at all, even if it's in little ways in your marriage?

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Um, you know, it it's I don't necessarily think so. And my dog is shaking the camera. You good, George? Okay, good. Um, you know, so I don't I feel like when we felt it creep in, we would immediately like nip it in the bud. Good. So for for and it's funny, so like because our our our families are completely different, right? So Haley, Haley, and you know, I would say her feeling, they don't really openly talk about their feelings, what they're feeling, how they feel about certain things, or especially when it comes like to like other people that like in the family or people that they know, like a lot of a lot of times it's just kind of like we just don't talk about it at all. Um, where my family is the opposite. Like we are like episode of the Kardashians, like where they just come in and there's like, I heard you did this. Oh my gosh, it is wild. And especially when like when like during the holidays, like when drinks and wine is flown with the family, and you know, I'm just sitting there, I just I don't even drink anymore, and just I'm like listening to it now. I'm like probably ever doing it. We sound crazy, like it is wild, and so but me growing up that way, where it's like nothing's off the table, you can talk about whatever, like no judgment, no shame. It's just it's better to just let it out, let like whatever you're feeling, let us know, and then we'll all talk about it. And most of the time, it always ended up like you know, when we would like open up about the feelings and how we feel about someone else or this, this or that, it always ended up with constructive criticism back or being like you are way like out of line and having to correct. And coming from multiple people who you know I respected saying, like, you know, the way that I was feeling or the way I was acting was completely out of line, you do need to correct. I would it gave it some authority. I'm like, oh, like maybe I do. Um and so whenever Haley and I we would find those things kind of creeping in, I would always be like, Hey, like, what's going on? Like, we need let's talk this through, like, or this is but like this is bugging me. I want to talk about it. And now I'll take some time to process it first, and then I'll bring it to her, but I would never let it grow so big that I then would forget the like the reason why it started. Dude, did you ever watch Veggie Tales as a kid?

SPEAKER_01 18:03

No, so there's I was not I was I wasn't a big fan of like those, like the veggies like really there's this vintage episode of Veggie Tales about this thing called the rumor weed, and the rumor weed was obviously like the rumor weed? The rumor weed, and it was a literal plant, it was like an actual weed. And I think it it either started out as a lie or something like that, but the idea was that it would just grow and grow and grow and grow, and eventually the rumor weed took over because it was so large, the lies had gotten so big that they were no longer capable of covering the rumor weed, right? Oh, and I feel like a lot of what you were just describing just made me think like, yeah, the more that you feed that stuff, the more it's gonna grow, and then it's gonna become too large, and then you can't like like cover it anymore. It's like no, it takes up our whole living room. Like, welcome to the rumor weed.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

Well, I feel like I feel like that's it's it's the enemy, like a hundred percent. It's if you because it's like like the enemy hates your marriage. Yep. He hates it. Yep. Because it is something that was from the very beginning in Genesis with you know with Adam and Eve, and you know, their marriage together, they were one, you know, literally together, and God was present with them, God is present in your marriage, and the enemy hates that. And so anything that he can use against you to make you second guess your marriage, second guess, you know, if you know she's the right one. Why did we do this? Oh my goodness, like this is a mistake, or having these things fester and like you not talk about it or have doubts in your head, it's it's him letting that grow. Yeah. And it's like just nip it in the bud, cut him off completely, talk about it. Yeah and then you know, just have the conversation and then go from there and grow from there.

SPEAKER_01 19:54

Yeah, the way I was just thinking about it was um for Bible-believing Christians who practice their faith, the enemy hates their marriage. But the other side of that is you can either continually make the enemy hate your marriage, or the enemy will learn to love your marriage because it becomes a place where he resides and he has influence and he has control. And yeah, man, that I am a big like we talk about the cost of discipleship. We should also talk about the cost of not following Christ. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 20:27

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:27

We should talk about hey, the enemy absolutely does hate your marriage. If you are Christians that are pursuing God and trying to raise godly kids and do things the right way, the enemy wants to destroy that.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:39

But the moment you give him a little bit of license, the moment he starts to love your marriage, because it becomes a place where he has a say in you or your your home or whatever that looks like. And again, looking for warning signs, looking for flags. One of the things, if you're in a struggle or intention, you should ask yourself, am I giving the enemy any room, any license in my life or in my situation right now? And then be willing to do something about that.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Yeah. You know? For sure. No, I I I couldn't agree more because it's it's one of those things where I do, you know, because anger is my big thing, you know, as you were talking about earlier. It's like, and I'll let I'll I s used to let those little things get in my head and really just fester. Yep. And then now with really, you know, being all in and like the church and really studying the Bible and everything else, it's seeing those warning signs of him, right? Coming in, and it's like do like once he grabs a hold of you, it's hard to like let that go, or it just grows and grows and grows. And um I was so like thankful just to finally catch that warning sign, understanding like what the warning signs were, like, you know, by reading the Bible and going to church and hearing, you know, Pastor Aaron speak and

SPEAKER_01 22:00

the armor of god thing I was like with at the men's retreat I'm like this is great you know um I've read that that you know chapter and that uh those verses so many times but being able to put it in perspective from um you know Bernie's point of view when he was talking about it which he's great phenomenal like oh my gosh I'm like you need to be like a bastard dude like you can you can just speak um but you know it it just I think picking up on those warning signs is a is a key like detail yeah 100% totally and I would say um for kind of learning to balance what that pursuit looks like of parenting well but also staying married well one of the things that if you do recognize you're in the struggle that you need to do is figure out what is that kind of next step. So how can I again just be intentional this week about outserving or outhonoring or even just supporting my spouse what's something you've done for Haley recently that would kind of fit in that in that category.

SPEAKER_00 23:00

I think so one of the things that well so I I'll answer in like two parts. I think all if you realize that you're in this phase and that you need to be you know you want to do something to honor your wife whether the if one like I think love language the love language book is huge. Um before Haley and I took like that quiz online we didn't read the book but we took the quiz um and we got just as much out of it. But by taking the quiz and learning what her love languages were and what mine were it allowed us it finally put it in perspective like okay so this is how she accepts like how she will receive love. Like the things that she's like acts of service quality time gift giving so I'm like oh okay so just buy your stuff spend time with you and just like be like your servant boy then she goes yeah basically great I can do that um and like physical touch was a zero. She scored a zero and physical touch for me was a 10. Of course um yeah it was so funny polar opposites but opposites attract um and so realizing what hers were allowed me to understand when we were either feeling a disconnect or if we felt distant like if maybe we just you know haven't really been present really with each other throughout like the week just because with everything going on um that I need to meet those top three. So it's action service quality time and um gift giving gifts yeah um it's good. Now that doesn't mean I'm doing like extravagant things for her. It could be when she leaves to go to the gym like I can wake up and clean the house get that organized for her um I can take the laundry out of the you know the dryer so she I or the washer so she can put her stuff in. I don't touch that that I will mess up her laundry. Nice so you only do your dude yeah I I tried it once and I like shrunk her yeah it was not good. So anyway that was a whole another thing. But so I'll make room for her in the laundry room the action service, those little things and then gift giving is something small of like it could be like a gift of just like buying her her favorite food like her favorite lunch. Yeah. Like whether that's somewhere from like she loves this place like caribou coffee now it's far away but I would go drive there to get it for and bring it home. Nice. But little things like that. And recently it's I've it's the things that you do that you don't try to make about yourself like hey I did this for you it's more of like you know hey let's take the family and go do go do this as like a as like a gift and quality time as well. So we went to Disney um for our anniversary we went back to the same hotel um that we got married at nice so that was really special points yeah well let's go yeah so I mean it kind of it wasn't for myself but I was also like I'm I'm pretty proud I thought it was a pretty good gift and when I told her as like the surprise you know that she was super excited and you know I I knew that she genuinely felt like my love for her through that and it was a sentimental time that we were there because we did get married there and um it was really cool because we brought the kids. So having the kids there now at the place where we got married and now Bo every single time he's like is that where you got married you know and he's we're like yeah um but recently that that was probably the the biggest one um and then for Mother's Day coming up um I booked her and her mom and my mom although my mom's not going to be here so I gotta cancel hers. But um a massage at like the beach. Nice and so again that was something that you know I didn't I didn't ask her about it. I didn't say like hey like do you want to do this or do you want this? And I just kind of did it on a whim. And that to me I think speaks more than you asking and then getting them exactly what they ask for. You know I feel like really paying attention to what your wife likes to do what she likes to buy what she you know her style keeping a mental note of those things so that you can have them in your arsenal for when you do these nice things for her is huge. Like for for every man. It's I would say in your notes on your phone anytime she buys like some type of like perfume or flowers or you know it says any place that she wants to travel to one time or eventually like oh I would love to go here or you know hey like look at this like hotel like it comes up on Instagram like that's like an ad always and always I get them DM to me. Dude I yeah it's like look at look at this place. I'm like cool save yeah it's like Baja Mar or something like that. I'm like okay great everyone and their mother is gonna be there. But it's important to her. Yep so save it and then when the time comes Mother's Day Christmas birthday those are three big ones I think those are the biggest yeah those three things anniversary sorry four um those four have those notes pulled up and that's when you can start taking those off and she'll be like how did you remember this and be like I'm just that good. Yeah for real um but seriously that that will make a tremendous change for sure. Great advice but that those I that's like I would say the smallest thing was recently that hotel trip.

SPEAKER_01 28:37

But how about you have like have you done anything recently uh a lot of baby time that's kind of been my biggest thing my wife you were gonna say no no no no no no recently show Shay that you no not really no no uh no she works some pretty intense hours during event seasons so just giving her the ability to do that like hey I mean you've been victim of it a couple times but like hey I've got to move stuff around because yeah your wife takes my wife away for sure because she needs this and like that's to me in the season that she's in like that's the most important thing I can do for her is be like hey you're getting a lot of passion out of this you've obviously got a lot of interest in doing this well so like if that's how you feel supported then let me make like I don't want to say it like this but like let me get out of your way like let me grab Shiloh let me make sure he's good and taken care of let me make sure you have every ability to go out and thrive in what God's called you to do and um and we'll be here ready to be pretty independent like like like very very very very that that is the thing. It's a strength for sure she is very like strong willed she wants to be dependent on me when she wants to be and that's amazing because that's how God's created her and she loves like going out and like crushing the things that she feels God's put on her heart.

SPEAKER_00 29:53

Is that a struggle for you are you a helper?

SPEAKER_01 29:55

Like naturally are you like I want to help you but I No I'm not actually not like a natural like just being honestly that way. I know I just I wasn't expecting that I thought you'd be like yeah no I love No I mean obviously you learn to be that way and you learn to love it for sure but when we were first married I mean she would be like hey I'm gonna go help out the at this person's wedding and I'm like cool have fun. She's like you want to come and help? I'm like no chance. Why would I want to do that? You know what I mean? No, I don't even know these people. No but then you go along and you serve her and you have fun and you do all that stuff and then you learn the next time the answer is just yes right away. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 30:32

Did you ever get oh my gosh so did you ever get into the trap of like you're the way you respond to an invitation from your wife doesn't match what they expect you to respond like. Example hey do you want to go to Disney with us tomorrow I pause and then I'm like sure sure yeah and then that being now Haley or whoever saying oh well you know like if you don't want to go then like just She was expecting you to be more excited. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 31:08

Does that ever no probably because I think my wife knows me very well and I think she's strategic to your earlier strategic point I think she's very strategic in the questions she asks me.

SPEAKER_00 31:18

See? See?

SPEAKER_01 31:19

Yeah they they all are they're all things they're she knows what she needs me to say yes to and she prioritizes phrasing it in a way that I have to say yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:28

Well yeah I think you said that in like an earlier episode you were talking about like how the way she asks questions she she's such a she's she's a like you're you were saying like like she's so smart. Yep. She asks them in a way that isn't it was about the parenting thing of like you know add like comparing the kids and all that asking like your friends who recently just had a kid like about food eating like asking in a way that doesn't directly it's not comparing her in a way but it it gets them to answer in a specific way but still makes them feel comfortable.

SPEAKER_01 31:56

She should be a detective well the the issue yes she should. The issue is not only is she smarter than me but then she started hanging out with and I have a big public relations background so like wording and all that stuff it really matters to me too. Yep. So when I when we really started like to hit it off I could tell that she was like picking up on some some tactics of mom that I would use. And I'm like I know I recognize that yeah I know what you're doing but you know what because it's my tactic I know it works so I've now been a victim to my own tactic.

SPEAKER_00 32:24

That's so funny.

SPEAKER_01 32:25

Is what it is all right. Uh last message any closing thoughts any closing messages for um for parents for especially for mom and dad if they're in the roommate phase trying to get out of it just and it might I mean this might sound like silly to say but it's like just love each other through it.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

Like remember have like just have a moment where you think back on why did you get married in the first place? Like why like you're here for a reason and just take the time to actually date each other again. Like if you're truly in the roommate phase again or not again if you're truly in the roommate phase then like acknowledge it address it and fix it. Yeah like talk like openly talk right that's the biggest thing I can say is like just openly have the conversation if you if you're the husband you know if you're listening to this now just talk to her and like put your pride aside put the mentality of oh I got this I don't need anybody's help like I'll figure this out on my own you won't and like just being honest like you won't it'll fester it'll grow and it will come out at a later date in a not so beautiful way. You know if you address it head on it's more sincere because you haven't let it fester to a point to where now you're angry about it. You're early on I would say you're probably more concerned about it. Right? If you let it grow then the things that happen between A and B, the little things will start to itch you more and more and more to where you get angry about it. And then you develop like a resentment.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

You know that there's a Bible there's a whole Bible thing on that? For real? Little foxes in the garden little foxes little foxes that end up being small things that then grow and the basically end up lighting the whole vineyard on fire at the end.

unknown 34:19

No.

SPEAKER_01 34:19

Burning the whole thing down. Is that is that Samson? No it's not now Samson does do that with it doesn't he like tie foxes like together in the wind? I think this is Song of Songs that you would find this in this comparison in but it basically talks about like you need to kill the small issues while they're small because once they grow you're not killing them anymore. Now you're managing. Now you're not now you're dealing with rather than destroying. Yeah. And that's that's a there's a big difference.

SPEAKER_00 34:43

Well then that would be my advice yeah just go like kill them when they're small don't let them grow.

SPEAKER_01 34:47

Yeah yeah um one of our location pastors at Radiant June Tavares preached this weekend and he preached on maturity being the key to a lasting marriage thought it was so good. I thought his three were were brilliant for just the practical application decide when you've made the covenant you're not leaving you know what I mean decide that you're in it you're staying in it no matter what it looks like devote now that you're in it hey do what is required to develop that endurance restore the relationship get things back on track and then delight like hey have fun laugh like if you feel like you don't have things in common anymore try new stuff yeah like do something other than just accept the fact that your situation is your situation. Yeah don't ignore reality like if you like I said if you're in trouble like accept it but then do something about it. You know what I mean? Don't just be like hey we'll see what happens. We'll see if this better go down with a thinking chip like you know try to get on a life route if it's already on fire it's not going to stop burning. You know what I mean? Yeah the higher likelihood is you'll add gas to it and it'll just burn even more down. So crush it. Crush it early you can crush it often. Sure man awesome thanks for joining us again and um we'll see you next time. All right