The Mental Load and the Project Manager Wife

"Just tell me what to do." Five words every married dad has said — and five words that drive your wife crazy. In this episode, Connor and Scott get honest about the gap between wanting to help and actually owning your household. Connor shares the early-marriage kitchen moment that exposed how differently he and Shay see "clean," and Scott opens up about the night Haley snapped while scrubbing dishes — not because he wouldn't help, but because she had to ask. Together they unpack why "just tell me what to do" puts your wife in the role of project manager instead of partner, the invisible tasks she's carrying that you haven't even noticed (pediatrician appointments, shoe sizes, clothing swaps, diaper inventory), and what it actually looks like to go from "helping out" to co-owning your home. Plus: Scott's practical tip on starting with the stuff you both need — meals, groceries, meal prep — and just taking it off her plate without being asked. Anchored in Philippians 2:3–4 and the call to count others as more significant than yourself, this one will make you want to audit your own week. Fair warning: you might not love what you find.

Scripture Referenced: Philippians 2:3–4 · Ephesians 5:15–16 · Ephesians 5:25

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Transcript

The Mental Load and the Project Manager Wife

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Awesome.

Introduction

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Welcome back to another episode of Raising Arrows. I'm Scott Stewart alongside me, as always, Connor Sykes. And that's gonna be a great day. We appreciate you tuning in. We hope that you find these episodes helpful and that they are applicable, especially to our new dads in this season of life that you're in. Today we're gonna dive straight into a topic that I think a lot of guys naturally encourage their wives to help them manage as they continue to grow in their fatherhood skills. And really, it is managing the home. It is learning to be not just husband and father, but also the leader of the household. And obviously that has so many different parts to it. But I think when we look at it, we really want to talk about what it means to put yourself underneath the home while remaining the head of the home. Meaning at every opportunity, you find a way to serve, to encourage, to build up, and to put your family in a position to win. The natural tension here, I think, is that a lot of slightly. Yeah, a lot of guys run into some roadblocks, and I think ladies forgive us, but we don't always exactly have the right roadmap.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

We're just dumb men.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

A lot of this is just uncharted territory. So we're trying to figure it out.

The 'Just Tell Me What to Do' Problem

SPEAKER_00 1:17

But I know one of the main tension points that I think may be relatable is just this idea of hey, just tell me what to do. When it comes to the early parenthood days, I think a lot of men can put the focus on, I'll do it, but I need the manual, I need the go-to, I need at least something more than just here are the pieces, put it together. And for a lot of men, I think that can bother, could hypothetically bother our wives because they want us to step in and lead in that capacity. So when that tension arises, if that tension arises, we want to hopefully share some principles that can apply and can not just move your marriage forward, but move your parenting forward as well. So what does this look like in the Sykes household? How have you guys tackled this kind

Early Marriage & Learning Each Other's Standards

SPEAKER_00 2:01

of issue?

SPEAKER_01 2:02

It was very early on. So this was even pre-kids. It was when we first got married, and so you you just get married and you are figuring it out, right? Now, Haley and I, we didn't live together prior to us being married. So it was we got married and then we moved in to our house together, and it was very new for both of us, right? So this who is this person, their organization skills, how do they like to keep the kitchen organized and all that stuff? And so that's where we I say kitchen because that's where we had our kind of I guess you you could say struggle because she would her love languages are an act of service and gift giving and quality time. But I was really lacking in the acts of service because I wasn't really, I didn't know how she liked to have everything organized or the dishes, which ones need to be in the dishwasher, which ones need to be hand washed, sure, which all these other things, and so she was just doing it, and she is a doer, she'll see it and she'll just go and do it. And but it was happening so frequently, and I could tell that she was one day she was like cleaning some of these dishes, and she just looked like she was scrubbing aggressively, and I was like, Yeah, what's wrong? And she goes, basically was saying how this is what she's she does this all the time. Why don't I do this? You need to help out, you need to help me with all the stuff in the kitchen, all the stuff, and I'm like, Okay, yeah, just tell me what to do. And she said, I shouldn't have to tell you. And then that's when this topic, why I'm laughing, is because I didn't even know that was a problem. I didn't even know that was a trigger because I feel like that's asking, hey, like, tell me what to do, and I'll do it. But I just need to know how to do it the right way and or your way because I don't want to do it and then create more work for both of us doing it, and then now it's not the way you want to do it, so now I'm adding more to your blade.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

If I have to have you undo my doing, then it's basically double down. And like now we've done it. Oh, for sure. And I don't want to be and then have you feel some type of way because I didn't accomplish it the way that you would prefer that I accomplish it.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Yes, yeah, oh yeah, yeah. And so she would always, yeah. So she would say, I shouldn't have to ask you. And I would then repeat back. I'm like, well, then how would I know you need help? For sure. And I'm like, I because I don't, it took me, it's still I'm still something that I struggle with, but it takes me some time to look around and see what needs to be done around the house, just because our minds are different, right? So she'll look around and she'll see things and be like, oh, this needs to be organized or this needs to be over here. When I look at the house, I'll be like, oh, it's clean for the most part. I'm like, oh yeah, it look, it looks fine. I didn't know that certain things in her mind wanted to be in or needed to be in certain areas, right? So I'm like, I need you to coach me on your version of what clean is, so then I can address when I see things out of place. Then we can get on the same page. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah. But yeah, it was just that back and forth until once we after living with each other for so long and getting really to know each other more and get to know her more every single day. But really, after the first maybe six months of that just repetition of now me being hyper-focused on what she's doing and what she's cleaning up, I was able to catch on to what areas of the house is she organizing, putting away things and stuff like that. To then know, oh, this is where she likes this, this is where she likes this, for sure here. Yeah. But that's kind of what it looked like for us.

SPEAKER_00 5:36

Which I think is again just a regular part of that new routine, right? When you bring kids in, even just the first one, it drastically shapes the entire household in a different way. And so it's really learning, like supporting the other person the best way that you can, but also being, I think, and this is just our opinion, obviously, my opinion, I'll say for me, but being unapologetic and being like, this is where I do need your guidance. Yeah. Hey, once I have the even baseline expectation here, then I can really learn what it means to go above and beyond. But when I have no bearing on like how I can move forward, I think it's gonna be difficult for any marriage to really thrive in that season. And thankfully, Shay and I walked through that and we found that kind of common ground, right? Where it wasn't just me having to be like sitting there being like, well, just tell me what to do. I'm not gonna do anything unless you tell me what to do. No, guys, you can take action. There are things you can still find a way to contribute on, yep. But also now help me where I don't know what to do, and things you would like to see me do help me find that. And then let's do it.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Yeah, it was so funny.

SPEAKER_01 6:44

Just the early stages of trying to figure all that out. It's like just tell me what to do.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

100%. And again,

The Dad Audit: Seeing Your Wife's Invisible Load

SPEAKER_00 6:50

a great way to think about this on the dad's side is just empathy, right? Understanding what your wife is walking through, what your partner is walking through. It's difficult for you to really frame that in your mind without genuinely putting yourself in their shoes. And so one of the things that I think is a fun possibility for dads is to genuinely spend a week, right? And Ephesians 5, 15 through 16 talk about this idea of redeeming your time, really mastering the days because they are evil. They go away quickly. The days are what they say, the days are long, the years are short, you have way less time than you think you actually do. And so audit not just your time, but really think through what is my spouse walking through during their day? Like, how can I see their struggle, their issue, and actually aim to match that, not aim to go against that or cause more tension. Yeah, don't match the struggle. Make yourself struggle to do that. Don't add to it. No, yeah, don't add to it. And on top of that, also don't think that you have to have the answer a hundred percent of the time, every time. I think it's genuinely just seeking to understand and seeking to support are two of the biggest ways that you can do that.

SPEAKER_01 8:05

Yeah, but that that is that that's a really good tip. Your own personal dad audit. I would challenge you guys listening to to do that to track for one full week every invisible task that your wife handles that you don't even really notice. For sure, which I'm thinking now in my head, I don't want to do that because I know it's gonna be a lot. For sure, but I'm going to do it. And yeah, it's all the things from scheduling to pediatrician appointments, remembering diaper sizes, knowing when the next growth spurt clothing swap needs to happen, knowing the sizes of the clothes that they need to go in.

SPEAKER_00 8:43

Yeah, I didn't even think about this, but my wife said this to me the other day. She was like, We need to go get Shiloh some new shoes. And I was in my mind, I was like, he has a ton of shoes, he's fine. Yeah, and I'm not thinking through he's a constantly growing boy, he's gonna constantly need new things. And thank God for my wife and our wives who are on top of those things and ahead of those things.

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Oh, he can be in flip-flops and two size, two small shoes.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

Sure, it is the least we can do as men to say, How can I support? How can I be there? Yeah, what can I learn to do well? And I think a lot of that comes with not trying to be the project manager, but genuinely making sure that what needs to get done is done well with support. Yeah. Yeah. Big deal. Okay, what about this idea of a tackle when we talk about tackling this together? Obviously, husband duties, wife duties, there is going to be a lot of common ground in that when it comes to caring for the child. So the goal, the mission, we said, was really learning how to lead your household, but as the primary servant of the household. Ephesians 5 talks a lot about husbands loving their wives, giving themselves up just as Christ loved the church. So for you guys, how did you find that balance of help me not only get done what needs to get done for our child, but also help me care for you, serve you, love you, and make sure you get what you need done as well?

SPEAKER_01 10:12

You know, I think that

Being Present as a Family

SPEAKER_01 10:15

what really helped us was always doing things together. We never whenever we would go do go do things, even now go to Target, go to bring the kids to Wondergrounds or go to Disney or go to grocery store, whatever it may be. Whenever you go do anything, or go outside to go play or ride a bike. We never were like, yeah, no, you go. I'm gonna stay home just because I want to stay home. Yep, together. Yeah, always being together with the kids and I think is a tremendous help because one thing is I'm thinking in my head, what I don't want to miss this time with them. I don't really have anything pressing to do at the house right now. For sure. And being able to be with my wife with my kids, meaning my kids are able to see mom and dad love each other, they're here, they're together, yep, they're present, yep, was a huge and a huge help because if anything goes down, you have two, you're playing man on man. For sure. And when you have one parent, you're playing zone, and it's a lot, it's very difficult. That's why going from two to three, we're not pregnant for anybody listening who thinks so. No, we're not. But we're talking we're talking about three. And I'm just like, so we're gonna switch from man-to-man coverage to now zone. Yep. I'm like, I've I'm okay with that, but I because I coach DBs for a while, but that's gonna take a little bit getting you through. But I think that's a huge help is being present with your wife and your kids whenever they're taking the time to actually go be with them, yes, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

And not feeling like it is your obligation to do that, but to learn to do that joyfully. And I know that that that can be difficult. I think it is okay to recognize the difficulties of I do need to show up, I do need to serve my spouse and serve my family here, but it is not okay in the name of difficulty to skimp, to say, you know what, I just you got I think I thought was that example was perfect. You know what? You guys go to the park. I'm just gonna chill here, I gotta get even if it's I'm gonna stay here and I gotta get some stuff done, it just is like uh, I don't know. I just feel like you really lack the power of your presence there. Yeah. And you miss out on so much of what God intends for you to experience by serving, by being the one who is really lifting your family up in that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It can be it can be an interesting topic.

SPEAKER_01 12:41

But yeah, but I love what you said by being like going and actually like when you say that you're gonna go, actually being there present. Absolutely, do it joyfully. Don't say, Yeah, I'll go, and then be on your phone the whole time. Because then at that point, it's like your kids are just seeing you on your phone 100%. And instead of being able to because what I love and what Haley and I what and I feel like we do this, and I don't mean to be tooting our own horn, but I feel like we just do this just because we do love each other so much that when you are together as a family, your kids are going to be looking at your all's relationship, absolutely, and you're imprinting in their head what a healthy relationship is. And I just pray that the how Haley and I are towards each other is going to set them up to find someone that will also love them that way, that way, especially my baby girl. Yeah, I want her to see dad loves mom and I will do anything for her and I will help her and serve her and make sure that she has everything that she needs. And I want Haven to be like that's the kind of guy that nobody less.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

And that is so important, and I don't want to dive super deep into the why behind serving and showing up and all that stuff, but so much more is caught than taught. And I we've talked about that on this podcast

What Kids Absorb from Their Parents

SPEAKER_00 14:00

before, but what your child sees will very likely be what they model, and so when you are modeling what it looks like to show up, to love your wife, to care for them, then guess what? It becomes a more and more natural thing for them. Doesn't mean it's perfect, doesn't mean they're gonna be 100% there. But recently, Shay and I hung out with a couple that was talking about just how their child hears all the stuff that that you don't think they're hearing, yeah. They see all the stuff that you don't think they're seeing. And it's not meant to be the weight of performing or acting a certain way, it is more learning to ingrain healthy rhythms, healthy relationships, modeling that stuff, not to just model it, but because you genuinely want to live it out yourself.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

Is there an unhealthy thing that you have done or that you and there anything that's done that shit Shiloh has picked up on? Unhealthy. Not unhealthy, but maybe funny, not unhealthy to eat bad food. For me, I'll walk in whenever I see Haley cooking dinner at the stove, which she does not I'm not saying that because she's a girl. I'm saying because most of the time I cook, I love to cook, and I'm and I promise I'm gonna get back on track here in a second, and I'll give you guys an easy tip on how to help co-own your household. But one thing is like I'll come up and I'll give a little smack on the booty and be like, I was like, hey babe, how are you?

SPEAKER_02 15:22

And Bo now No way goes up and he will just start smacking her butt. That is a bold and and he goes, he's he's like, Yeah, he's like, this is what dad does. And I'm like, what dad does. And then he just goes booty booty, and then yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:39

So it's funny. But that's one of the things he does. No, Shiloh has not done that yet. But my wife and I love this drink establishment called Swig. And so the only bad thing I would say is that Shiloh will, if he sees one of our cups out, he'll go and pick it up and try and drink from it. Because he knows that it's got something in there that he hasn't had and he wants to try and stuff like that. But it does make us cognizant. Man, he sees us drinking these drinks. I don't want him to think it's just normal. You know what I mean? That's just how we grow up and that's what mom and dad do. It's like it's not like we do that every single day. Yeah. But again, kids, what they see, they're more likely to model, whether it's one time, whether it's consistently. I think that's a both the good and the bad is what you model consistently and be more likely to pick up. But what you model inappropriately, even just a couple of times, can be something that if it's not caught early, yeah, could be modeled by them down the line as well. So learning how to serve, learning how to care, and learning what to model.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

I just hope he doesn't smack his preschool teachers.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

For sure, for sure. That will be a different conversation. Oh, yeah, for sure. That would be a good one. And guess what? You all will be the first to know. Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 16:48

That'll be the first story I thought about.

SPEAKER_00 16:49

Yeah, we'll bring

From Helping Out to Co-Owning the Household

SPEAKER_00 16:50

it back.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

But the one tip I do have for the dads listening, going from helping out the co-owning, the biggest thing that I can say, and this is what after eight, a little over eight years of marriage has taught me, start with the things that you both need in your life, meaning you both need to eat food, you both need to have a clean room, a clean house, you both need to have little things like water, drink, food, friends, fun. But when those areas like cooking dinner, breakfast, lunch for your kids, making them lunch, making them dinner. If you start there and just take ownership and then just do, that will really help out with this whole co-owning and not having to say, just tell me what to do. Yep. Just what do I need to do? Because for you to cook dinner, you need to get groceries. So you're taking off of her list the Instacart order or the grocery run. You're taking off her list the cooking. And guys, I and if you're like me, I do like to have a plan in place. And so you can even take ownership and meal prep for the kids for the week. Yep. That'll take a lot off of her plate and your plate. But those are things that you, your you and your family, you have to live with, you have to eat and all those things. So taking ownership and then just her coming in the house from I don't know, being outside at the park or something, and you're making dinner, yeah, and it's like, yeah, hey, no, I got this, don't worry about it. Yep. That's a huge step. Yeah. And that's also a big weight off of their shoulders as well.

SPEAKER_00 18:21

Summarize it as finding ways to own, right? Seeking genuine ways where it's like, I can own this, it's not that big of a deal, and it's gonna move the ball forward. Man alive, how many times have you changed a diaper that you could have passed on, changed a diaper pail that you could have passed on changing? You know what I mean? And yet, at the end of the day, that is what makes the difference. And my wife is not an acts of service person. She does not, I don't get done doing all this stuff around the house, and she's like, thank you, I feel so fulfilled. But that's not why we do it. We don't do it for the validation or the affirmation. We do it because that's what owning a family and owning a household looks like. So it means. Yeah.

Closing Thoughts & Scripture

SPEAKER_00 19:03

Any closing thoughts? Any ideas?

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Honestly, I don't, I'm just now still thinking about all the things that I don't do that I need to be doing. Natural. Yeah, and I'm sitting here auditing myself now for the week of all the things that Haley's already done that I don't, and I'm just like, wow.

SPEAKER_00 19:19

And you know what? She is exhausted. Yeah, and you know what? That's okay because you're an owner and you're gonna own getting better this week. Oh, for sure. Amazing. Here is a great place to land the plane, then. This is a great verse when it comes to humility, learning how you can continue to serve and lead as that humble servant leader. Philippians 2, verses 3 and 4. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. When you live out God's word, you'll be blessed God's way. We hope this helped you today. Thanks for joining us on another episode of Raising Arrows. We'll see you next time.