The Silent Struggle: Paternal Depression

One in four dads experience paternal postpartum depression. One in four. So if you're in a room with three other dads, statistically one of you is walking through it right now — and probably hasn't told anyone.

In this episode, Connor gets as vulnerable as he's ever been on the show. He shares what happened when his son Beau was born and the instant connection everyone promises you would feel just… wasn't there. No rush of love. No "I'd die for this kid" moment. Just distance, frustration, and a growing spiral of "something is broken in me." He opens up about sitting in his wife's postpartum screening, silently answering yes to every question she was answering no to, and the car ride home where he finally said it out loud. He talks about asking his dad for help and getting back a well-meaning but useless "you'll figure it out." And he walks through the specific Christ-centered shift — a sermon, a reframing, a decision to see every moment with his son as a gift instead of a burden — that brought him out of the darkness.

Scott and Connor also talk honestly about when prayer alone isn't enough, why seeking professional help is not weakness, and why the most powerful thing a man who's been through counseling can do is tell another man he's been through counseling. Anchored in Galatians 6:2 and the call to bear one another's burdens, this episode exists for the dad who's Googling "is it normal to not feel connected to my baby" at 2 AM. You're not broken. You're not alone. And there's a way through.

Scripture Referenced: Galatians 6:2 · James 1:2–4

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome back to another episode of Raising Arrows. As always, I'm Scott Stewart with me, Connor Sykes, and we are super excited for today's episode. Thank you. Yeah, thank you for joining us. We've got a lot to be able to discuss, but we're gonna go into a little bit of a different angle today, and we're gonna go pretty personal because what we're talking about today is a hyper individual experience, and it can vary in so many different ways and forms and how it shows up. But we're gonna talk about one of the struggles that some new dads walk through, which is this idea of what they call postpartum paternal depression. It's postpartal or paternal postnatal depression affects one in four dads, and it's not something that I think gets out in front of a lot of people for a lot of reasons. But it's something that if you can relay with it today, we hope this helps you. We hope that you're able to find something that you can take away from this, and obviously above all, we hope that you can continue to find the healing available to you in Jesus. So, as we've got Connor with us, we've got just a few different kinds of personal elements of this to be able to walk through today. But Connor, this is something that you walk through. This is something that was an element of when Bo was born, something that you and Haley obviously navigated together. Yeah, but I guess maybe let's just start off, kind of walk through your experience of this and what that was like for you, and then obviously how you found yourself on the other side.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Yeah, getting very vulnerable here. Yeah, no, it was obviously you always heard about postpartum depression in moms, and it was just something that you always want to just be careful of after they give birth and that you just want to watch out for. And there's all these screenings that they do. So after you give birth to your child, you'll go in for another one-month checkup and they'll ask your wife kind of the questions just to make sure that if they are going through postpartum depression, they can kind of catch early and then address it. And I found that because I didn't know why I was feeling this way that I was feeling until we went to the doctors, I went with her, and they were going through that questionnaire. And when they were going through that questionnaire, I was in my own head just answering the questions. And Haley is a rock star, and she was, do you feel this way? And she was like, No, no, no, no, no. And then, but for me, I was saying like yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, for almost every single one, and then that's when I knew we got in the car and I came, we were coming home, and I go, I said yes to all of those in there, and she was just asking me, like, what, like, yeah, every single one I felt that I was feeling those things or thinking those things, and I think that I'm just in a weird state right now, and she was there for support, and we would always be open to talk about it and things like that. But it was my first sign was when Bo was born, and I didn't feel that immediate connection to him. The feeling that everyone always says, Yeah, when your first child was born, you just you love them instantly, like you die for them, and I'm like, I didn't feel that, and so I immediately felt like something was broken in me, and then that caused a spiral effect of okay, so I'm broken, and I don't feel this love for my firstborn child, let alone as a man, my firstborn son, and I should, but instead, I felt almost uncomfortable, I felt frustrated that like at even at him, and when he would be crying at night, I'd be like, please just stop. And I would never get I never got aggressive with him or anything like that. But having those thoughts of just irritation and frustration and just distance, I felt no connection, no bond, and it just led to a very deep depression of am I a good dad? Am I even a good husband? Am I even a good person for feeling this lack of love for my child? And yeah, that was like the first state of it, and it took quite a while for me to actually open up to my ask my dad about it. Sure, he was like, Yeah, no, I never felt that. I'm like, great, perfect, thanks, no help there. He was like, Yeah, we'll figure it out. I was like, I don't know, it feels like I won't right now, but yeah, and then I really came out of it as we started to really go back to church, as I started to do, like really invest myself back in the church, like going and really sitting, listening past Aaron's message and not just letting it just go in one ear and out the dumb ear. I'm deaf in my left ear, by the way, so little thing. But it once I started to really go to church and invest my my my time there and just really every time I went, I made sure I was listening to the word. I had got something out of it every single time, and then that started to fill me back up, and then I started to look at Bo in the way of he is a blessing, he is a gift from God, he is something that is has been given to Haley and I for us to raise and to spread the word of the gospel and to be an arrow, and that switch was what helped me really come out of it all, and immediately it was like that love for him was just so overwhelming, and I wanted him to be with me at all times, and that's it, that was the fix for me.

SPEAKER_01 5:22

Yeah, it's amazing. What did it look like for you and Haley as a couple? Because obviously the struggle is father to son in this example. How did you relate to her in that season? Because obviously you guys are experiencing the same new parent experience, but could not be on polar opposite ends of it.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Yeah, she she was great, and it was hard for her to understand because she had such a tight bond with him. Sure, she was breastfeeding, and so he was connected to her, still is, but he was connected to her from day one, obviously. And Haley is like I always joke and say Haley doesn't feel any other emotion except happiness and joy. You will never catch her angry or mad. She actually won't even say she is, she'll say, She's I'm not mad, I don't get mad, I'm not even angry. I'm like, Are you frustrated? She's no, I'm annoyed, I'm annoyed. I'm like, that's like the same thing. But so her and Bo were super tight. I felt some type of resentment towards that because I didn't have that. And I was like, why is he so close to you when and for me, I like very distant. And so I would get frustrated, not really at with her, but just with the fact that she was able to have such a tight bond with him. Sure, absolutely. And so our relationship never really struggled with a lack of love towards each other, but it struggled with almost like a competitiveness for me. I I don't think she would even know that this happened, but I felt like I had to compete with mom to be loved but in both sides. Sure. But whenever I would feel a certain way, I would talk to her about it. Like I've said before in a different episode, we are pretty open with each other, and I wear my emotions on my face, so she can tell. And I'll I'll tell her, and she would open up and she'd just be like, listen, just try this, do this, and I would take the feedback and try it, but then I'll get frustrated because it didn't work, and then go to the next one. But yeah, no, it was it was more of a competitiveness between the two of us than it was a a like a distance that grew. Sure, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

And when you look at the gender dynamics, especially right after birth, obviously I think guys, rightly so to a degree, have a lot of pressure on them to step up and really be there and support the wife. I think that can naturally leave guys in a more vulnerable spot. And of course, a lot of culture would say, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, be strong, deal with it kind of thing. You'll figure it out. Yeah, you'll figure it out. And I know that can be difficult. When it comes to your frame of reference, what was it like for you to seek help? Did it feel obviously it's difficult to kind of open up your struggles, period, I feel, but even though it was your dad, was there some tension there for you? Did you feel some type of way about even opening up and even asking those questions more publicly? What was that experience like?

SPEAKER_00 8:24

I felt I felt like a failure because it was like, this is something that I like I didn't even know if any other guys felt this way. Sure. Because I'm a pretty emotional guy, and I was like, maybe I'm just this is me just being overly emotional and just overthinking the situation and whatever. And so I felt a lot of like shame and for feeling this way, and then I felt very nervous and embarrassed and like a failure for having to ask my dad, hey, this is what I'm going through. Did you also feel this way? Is it genetics? Is it right? Did you pass this down to me and make me feel this way? Because then I got a bone to pick with you, but no, and then he was just like any dad, he's what 63? No, yeah, 63. So at this time he was 59, 60, and he was just like, No, I never felt that way. What are you talking about? No, I loved you from right when I saw you, for sure. So that's great, good. So you have nothing bad? Nope. And he was the one who was like, you'll figure it out. But he was very encouraging. He says, Connor, you're a great dad. You're take it day by day, pray, and just be patient with it. And that was the thing that really kind of helped me. Oh, yeah, prayer. That's the thing.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Let's talk about that because obviously prayer, your faith is going to be the thing that anchors you in that season. But a lot of times I think prayer can almost be like the oversimplified go-to advice where it's just pray more. And yeah, you can pray more, and you can absolutely spend more time with God and in silence and really trying to discern how He is going to shape and form your character for the season to come. But there is a vital element of like, I need to get counsel and wisdom and help here. I'm not where I need to be, and I'm not gonna be able to get there by myself. Yeah. Was there a moment where you really felt like I am obviously praying about it, but I'm gonna have to take that next step? How did you discern when it was time? I guess I should ask though.

SPEAKER_00 10:24

Yeah, I so I it was funny. I I didn't feel like I had to actually. I was on the verge of reaching out for help, like going to see a therapist. Okay. Up until it was a message from Pastor Aaron speaking about kids and speaking about the joy that they bring and the role of a parent and being together like in your marriage and how important that is. And I forget, it was obviously Brown Bow was born, so three years ago. Okay. But that message opened my eyes to God was already answering my prayers. I was praying for peace in my heart and for these thoughts in my head to be just removed and just to work in me to strengthen the faith within my Holy Spirit and to just bring me closer to a relationship with my child. And I would pray for that, and until that message, what I didn't realize was that he was giving me every opportunity to do that, and I was just letting the enemy speak louder than him. Sure. And I it when he said that message, it was like my eyes were open, and I was just like, oh my goodness, like I have been so oblivious to how he has been giving me opportunity after opportunity to replace those feelings and to see the joy that is fatherhood and to see the joy in Bo. I was deciding to only look at the negatives, and that's when I realized what the fix was, which was every opportunity with Bo look at everything that he's doing as a gift, like the simple things, the things that would frustrate you, like the crying at 3 a.m. the whatever, just how great that you have air in your lungs that you can actually make these sounds. How great it is that you are alive and breathing and that your voice works, that you're you can see your eyes, everything, instead of the uh why won't you just be quiet? Oh my gosh. Oh, absolutely. What if he was quiet? What if he was like, what if he couldn't speak? And then I'm like, that would be a thousand times worse. And so that switch is what picked me right back up. Yep, and I was like, oh my gosh, this is amazing. And I was like, thank you, God, for this.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

And honestly, there is an element of like when you need to seek help, like when you are struggling, and you if you need to talk to whether it is a family member or a good friend, or a mental health professional, there is nothing wrong with that. Getting help is actually suggested and vital, I think, to you continuing to find the right level of healing. I do think that just when it comes to the idea of moving forward in general, for a lot of dads, the concept of grid it out, tough it up, how do I be that kind of man, a lot of that will come through what the Lord brings to you in that prayer process in terms of, hey, here are little ways throughout your day that I'm gonna have you show up. And it is the voice of the Holy Spirit that will remind you in those moments, hey, this may seem difficult, but if you can consider it joy, if you can count it a blessing, if you genuinely can pull a James one level of theology and count that trial as something that is gonna bless you, then man, how much different are you gonna be able to show up?

SPEAKER_00 13:48

Oh yeah. That's where it the switch was really flipped for me. Honestly, this is it was a night and day difference. And now, if even still, I it that that simple realization and how God was speaking to me through that in those moments, still to this day, as he's three and a half and even two a little over two, still use that today. Beautiful, just the little things of just instead of getting frustrated, look at this as how great of a blessing this is. Amen. Yeah, I love it. Okay, any closing thoughts? I honestly just if you are going through that, just know that you're not alone. Yeah, absolutely. Don't let those thoughts take hold of who you are and how great of a parent that you are. The biggest kind of downfall is or is recognizing that you're going through it and not speaking about it, that will tear you up. Correct. So if you recognize it and you address it, speak to your wife about it, speak to your parents about it, or if you're anyone who you have a really solid relationship with that maybe is also a parent that it can either relate or provide any insight, or even if you have to go outside and seek help with therapists or things like that, totally fine. I think it's good. They even have the apps, like the BetterHelp website, which is I use that for I was stressed with work and everything. It was parenting work with the three businesses and then having when Sykes was sold. I signed up for Better Help, and it was great. It was all virtual. I got to meet with the person, I think it was like once a week or twice a week, and they will pair you with someone based on the kind of what your preferences are, what you're going through. And if you don't like that person, it sounds weird. But the first time it's like when you meet them, you can get feedback and say, no, don't like them. No, didn't relate. Yeah, and then they'll pair you with someone new. Okay, so they're very helpful with all that. But uh, so you don't even have to go somewhere, you can do it in the comfort of your home. Amazing. But yeah, I would just say speak to someone, know that you're not alone, and pray.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Yeah, I think one of the most powerful things men who have gone through counseling can do is tell others that they've gone through counseling because it makes it more relatable, it opens people up, and really honestly, like you we see this in the church world a ton. You really don't know how many people around you are walking through even something relatable or similar. Yeah, and you opening up about it is going to unlock something in them that says, because they did, I can too. And that it truly is where a lot of freedom is found. So like we said, we hope this helped you today. We hope that this ministered to you in some way, shape, or form. Here's a great verse to wrap up our talk today, and this is a great verse for community. So if you are struggling and you are going to find help, this is a great verse for those who are helping those who are in need. Galatians 6 2 bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ. So important to continue as the body of Christ, to lift each other up, to support each other, and that's what we hope happened today. So thanks for joining us for Connor. I'm Scott. Hope you enjoyed it. Take care, and we'll see you soon.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Alrighty.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

Great.