When Toddlers Push Every Button You Have

You yelled at your toddler over something stupid. Now you're sitting on the bathroom floor feeling like the worst dad alive.

This episode is for you.

Connor and Scott tackle the thing nobody talks about: anger in fatherhood. Not your kid's tantrums—your anger. The moment you realize your voice got louder than it should have. The guilt that follows. And the question that haunts you: am I failing them?

Here's what we cover:

🔍 The truth about your anger: Your kid's tantrum is not an emergency. But your anger is. The order you deal with these things matters—and most of us get it backwards.

📖 James 1:19–20 as your anchor: "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger." We unpack what this actually means at 2am when your toddler won't sleep for the 11th time.

💔 The bathroom floor moment: The repair conversation. Asking for forgiveness instead of offering a quick sorry. How to teach your kids that strong men admit when they're wrong.

🎯 Compassionate boundaries: It's not gentle parenting OR strict discipline. We discuss the middle ground that actually works—validating your kid's feelings while still having clear boundaries.

👨‍👦 Breaking the cycle: That moment you hear your dad's voice coming out of your mouth. Why staying calm is the single most powerful parenting move you have.

If you've lost your temper with your kids and questioned whether you're doing this right, this episode is a permission slip and a practical guide.

Because being a good dad doesn't mean never losing it. It means always coming back.

Listen and ask yourself: What's the anger really about? Then share this with a dad who needs to know he's not alone.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Well, welcome back to another episode of the Raising Arrows Podcast. As always, Scout Stewart alongside Connor Sykes. So honored to be joined by you. We hope that wherever you are, you're having a great day. And you're ready to learn. You're ready to grow. You're ready to continue to apply some of these timeless principles to fatherhood, to your home, to your marriage, and ultimately to your walk with Jesus as well. So we have a tough topic today. I feel like we say this a lot when we jump in, but um we're gonna be a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

It's a tough life being a dad.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

It is a tough life being a dad. And especially speaking a lot to the males today. This one probably isn't male-centric, but um, I know a lot more guys deal with this than than ladies do. And um, it's okay to be able to address it because today we really want to talk about how anger plays a massive role in your parenthood, plays a massive role in your marriage, really and how you can lead and love the people that God has entrusted you with. And unfortunately, anger is a universal experience. There will probably not be a mom or a dad that never deals with anger, especially toward their child in some way, shape, or form. So let's jump in. Yeah. We're excited. I know that um when it comes to defining our lives, we always go back to God's word as the anchor to our souls and the anchor to how we continue to live our lives like Christ. And so our anchor text to you today is James 1, 19 through 20, where it says, but everyone be slow to speak, quick to listen, slow to anger, for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. There is something in God's word that encourages us that anger can be useful, but only when it is used by God. Anger in and of itself is not an indicator that you're going down the right road or the wrong road, but there is a finer than fine line between righteous anger and sinful anger. And so we want to break that down a little bit today because we are fathers of young children. And anybody who's been around young children doesn't need to spend a long time around them to realize that they throw these things called tantrums. And these tantrums come from someplace that produces anger either in them or in us. So when it comes to you and Haley, from like uh how we have dealt with anger in our kids, first and foremost, do you feel like you've had to work through this with either one of your children? And if you have, what has your approach been? Because I feel like a lot of times we can get caught in the trap of either I'm too soft, too much grace, or I'm too hard, there's too much truth. And somewhere along the line, the term gentle parenting came into the equation and has become kind of the hot button issue of today.

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Uh yeah. I the the whole gentle parenting thing to me is um and again, this is just my opinion. It's it's a it it's it's just it's kind of ridiculous. Like it's like you can't uh you can't handle a tantrum in especially in public with the getting on their level, like in the middle of Target, getting down, and then just being like, hey, your feelings are valid, yeah, these are okay. You have big feelings, you know. It's like mommy's here, daddy's here. Like, because then calm the calming voice does help, but the no repercussions or the the lack of discipline is showing them or telling them that hey, like I can have these tantrums, like you'll calm me down, but I can just have these whenever I want, right? And then that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:27

So let's kind of talk about that. I don't want to get super far down this road, but this is one of like the biggest things for any human to regulate and develop in is self-regulating your emotions, right? Yeah. So when it comes to gentle parenting, I think the approach we are not gentle parents, and I have nothing against gentle parenting if that is your choice, but I believe that the the ideology behind it is I am teaching them to self-regulate by calming them, by bringing their levels down, by teaching them how to feel their emotions appropriately. But I do hear your side, which is the other side of the coin. If you're never helping them actually regulate and you're always just calming them, then what you're validating is I can go up to the highest heights of my anger as long as I come back down. Yeah. And that's not always the goal.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

No, and and and so I think the what Haley and I have done, and I'm sure what a lot of parents I feel like are doing now, it's it's what's being called like the compassionate boundaries. So you're you're allowing them to have those emotions. Like, yes, like I get like because they're toddlers, they don't know how to regulate those emotions when they feel frustration or anger or whatever it is, it goes from zero to a hundred and they don't have like that slow burn like what we do, and they feel them very strong and they just come out full force. And something as small as getting the wrong colored cup will set them off. And so we'll we'll help calm them down, but we still have boundaries in place. So, like I will, you know, for example, if we're at Target and let's say a you know, Bo or Haven throws a tantrum, I if we can't calm them, I will remove them from Target and just be like, I yeah, I'm sorry, like you're not gonna get that toy that you're freaking out about. Like, there are boundaries. Like, this is something that you know, I you had to be removed from the store. You can't go back in. We're gonna stay here and wait for mom and bo or mom and haven. And we're just going to sit in the car and we're going to de-stress, calm down. And you know, I won't raise my voice, I won't scream at him or do anything like that, but I will make sure that he understands that the behavior was wrong, the feelings are valid, but there are still boundaries in place, and we can't do what you want to do because of that.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

Which has to be like no wonder this is such a difficult thing to navigate because it's got to be one of the toughest jobs for a parent. Yeah. How do you reason with a toddler? How can you teach them like the logic behind what is appropriate behavior to express in public versus private? Yeah. When you're not getting what you want versus when you are getting what you want. Hey, even like what is like a guarantee for mom and dad versus what is like a maybe from mom and dad, and learning like to level your disappointments. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

And then they learn who to go to. Right. Like they'll be like, oh, well, mom said no, so I'm gonna go to dad. And I'll be like, I don't care, and then be like, ah, and then Haley's like, I said no. I'm like, never mind, Bo, no.

SPEAKER_01 6:27

And now we're at odds, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's tough, it's really tough.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

But it's it is it's it is a difficult thing because you can't you can't reason with a toddler. And that was one of the things that I learned uh actually relatively recently was I ramble, and so when and when Bo asks me a question, I I answer it if I know it, I will answer it like if I'm talking to an adult. And because I'm trying to explain it how I know how to explain it, like why is the sky blue? And I'm like, oh well, you know, it's the you know reflection from the like the ocean and the water, and so when the sunlight's hitting that, and then and I lose him. And so when he's having these tantrums or if he's really feeling emotional, I can't try to reason with him and try to uh get him to understand because in that moment he's in like that fight or flight type of you know mindset, and nothing is gonna connect. And so what I learned was I can't talk to him because if I when I do, it just either frustrates him more because I'm telling him, like, hey, bud, like I'm sorry, like we we can't do what you want to do, right? Like this is not gonna work. That makes him more frustrated because he understands it, right? And then that makes him more, you know, whatever. Um, but what he does understand is like my presence and when I'm calm. So if I'm calm and I don't even have to say anything, if I'm just calm and I can like hold him or just sit there and like hold his hand or just let him know that I'm there, he'll calm down. So, and this is like fascinating psychology.

SPEAKER_01 7:54

I'm not a psychology major background imagination. No, unfortunately not. But people don't like to feel alone. Yeah. And so when they are freaking out and no one else is, the far more likely outcome is that the person freaking out does not freak out if the person not freaking out can remain steadfast. But as soon as the person not freaking out begins to feed or even hint at displaying similar signs, the likelihood swings, right? And then it becomes more likely that the situation turns to chaos. When in reality, had we remained grounded and leveled, we could have gotten through this with far less casualties, you know? Yep. And praise God, no real casualties. But certainly there are times where it's like, hey, had I just met him with cool, we would have been cool.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:45

But because I met him in that place of frustration, we both walked out frustrated.

SPEAKER_00 8:50

Yeah. You know? Yeah. No, and it's and it's hard though, because like, don't get me wrong, guys, like there are so many times where I drop the ball in this situation, because like anger is something I do frustrated, I do struggle with. And so when Bo does or Haven, I always say Bo, so sorry. But when Bo or Haven, one or the other, when when they do either you know have a tantrum, they don't really have too many tantrums. It's more of like the disobedience that that gets me. And then they start to freak out. But it's it's so I would say it's probably fewer times than not that I'm actually that calm. Okay. Where I try to stay calm. Typically, I see if if Haley is the one that's kind of like on edge, then I'll come in to be calm. If I'm the one that's on edge, Haley comes in and she's always calm. Okay. Um, so we kind of balance each other out really well. But it is so hard to keep your cool, to be slow to anger, you know, like how it says in James uh 1, 19. And it it's one of those things that I do struggle with is how to be slow and not just react, you know. So if when this does happen, don't feel like you're a bad dad or that you're not doing a good job. You're just you're human. And I struggle with this a lot, probably every day is something because the kids, they're toddlers. This happens probably once, twice a day. Yep. Um, but yeah, minimum.

SPEAKER_01 10:15

Yeah, minimum. Minimum. Which again, and I don't think you're striving for perfection. I actually feel like learning to use your anger is a vital part of being able to move forward. Yeah. Because anger is, and now we are gonna get into like some like psychology and stuff, but anger is not a primary emotion. Anger typically comes, no, excuse me, frustration, the way the anger manifests is not a primary emotion. I was like, it's not? But well, you're not a psychologist. I actually feel like I might be right. I feel like anger is not a primary emotion, but anger usually comes from sadness. I want to say, if you want to do your own research, look up the feelings wheel. This is like a psychology, psychiatry kind of tool that is used to help people identify where their feelings are coming from. And so, like in the case of Shiloh, if he's angry or he's frustrated, it's usually because he is sad that he's not getting his way. Yeah. I'm actually okay with that. What I'm learning to work on is curving how the anger then manifests itself in the moment. Yeah. It's okay, it's exactly what you said for Bo. Hey, it's actually, or Haven, it's actually perfectly you do it too. It's actually perfectly okay to express that frustration. If you're upset, I want to know about that. You know what I mean? What's not okay is letting our anger or any emotion take hold of us and rule our spirit, right? Yeah. There's a proverb that talks about um, greater is he who uh rules his spirit than takes a city. And so the whole idea is like you could literally conquer land, which in 2026, I don't know what the modern day equivalent would be.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

You can conquer an anchor, an acre.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

100%. You could, you could, what would be a modern day, like you can accumulate a lot of money, I guess probably, but you could do a lot of things. But the person who rules their spirit is mightier than the one who accomplishes much. That has stuck with me since the day I read it, because it's a perfect reminder that God cares more about how I lead myself than he does how I act out in situations. You know what I mean? Yeah. And that's a vital part of it because to your point, you deal with this a lot in period. You deal with this a lot in life, period. I think a lot of times how our anger manifests is a lot bigger of an issue than whether or not it's okay for me to be upset in the moment about whatever I it is that I'm upset at. Yeah. And that's tough for kids because obviously they're kids.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

They're kids.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

Fun toms.

SPEAKER_00 12:41

But short answer, side note, anger, yes, is uh anger is universally recognized as a primary emotion. Okay. However, psychologists, like Scott here, view view anger in two distinct ways depending on the framework you use. It is simultaneously a primary emotion, evolutionary and hardwired, and frequently functions as a secondary emotion, a protective mask for other feelings.

SPEAKER_01 13:07

For sure. Okay. So, I mean, I can obviously speak to this more firsthand because I've walked through this like when you're a psychologist. I absolutely in my psychology degree. Um, no, when I got counseling for just like what I was walking through in my life and stuff, and anger was a primary issue that I dealt with. I remember the counselor walking me through that framework of like, but when you're angry, are you really angry? And I'm like, maybe, maybe not. Give me some specifics. So it's like, let's say somebody lets you down, are you really angry? And I'm like, yeah, I think so. And he's like, but are you disappointed? And I'm like, well, yeah, I'm also disappointed. And he's like, so I really want you to think through what are you more angry or disappointed? And I'm like, well, I'm probably disappointed. And he's like, so you have to understand that a lot of the times what your body defaults to in anger is really something else underneath that, trying to tell you, yeah, this is really how I feel. Which a lot of times, again, just being honest, it was sadness for me. Yeah. My expectations weren't met and I got angry about it. It was really because I was sad that I didn't feel valued or someone else wouldn't meet me where I was, whatever that looks like, right? But the trap in anger is self, right? Yeah. Not feeding self, not getting trapped into this idea of like making the situation all about me, which can make the repair conversation a tricky one. So let's move on to that. Let's say you get through the anger stage and the event happens, and now you're trying to work through to get to the other side of it. Whether it's from Like the event of like like when you lose your cool. 100%. Yeah. Whether it's from husband to wife or wife to husband or father to son or daughter and back, how have you worked through kind of the initial approach to I messed up? Yeah. I need to make it right, I can make it right, but here's how I'm going to do that in an intentional way.

SPEAKER_00 14:57

Yeah, I um I do I I feel I feel like massive like guilt, like right after I lose my cool, like with Boerhaven, just because in the moment, again, because I I'm more of the reaction person, like whenever I do feel that anger, it's it's hard for me to stop, pause, breathe, unless I like really like in touch with myself that day, like just in like kind of under control of myself. Um, but in our household and with our lifestyle of kind of constantly on the move, it it's more chaos. And so trying to be in touch with like kind of my feelings and everything else is a little more difficult with a thousand things going on. Um so when I do lose my cool, when I do raise my voice at Bo or Haven, um I it's about five to ten minutes after, like I'll put them down for a nap, or they go to bed, or you know, Haley will take them outside and I'll just kind of sit back. And this is when I can finally like breathe and replay what just happened. And it I feel tremendous guilt of like why did I why did I yell? Why did I raise my voice? Why did I, you know, scare him or her? Um and it sucks every time, you know, because it's like I totally could have handled that differently. And I think you know, why like one, why did I act that way? Like, why did I react that way? Like is what that is what they were doing like didn't did it need to have that reaction from from me. And a lot of times it's no. Sometimes it's yes, like when we were talking earlier about when they're doing something that could hurt themselves and then they don't understand that, and you know, then they or continue to do it. But most of the times it's things that are an inconvenience for me, like when I'm trying to water all of the potocarposts in our backyard, and Bo will refuse to let me use the hose because he wants to use it. So then he'll turn off the water, and I have to go back and turn it on, and then I'll bring the hose over. And then when I'm walking, turn it on, he'll grab the hose and run, and then he'll take it. And that I get frustrated and then or angry. Now I'm confused. You get angry, yeah. So then I'll get angry, and in the moment, I'm not thinking about, you know, hey, let's just think about this for a second. I'm thinking, give me the dang hose so I can do this. And then I'll get the agenda. Yeah. And because I don't want to be out in the sun for any more than an hour and a half because I'm gonna get burnt. Um, and so I'll it's like that, and then I'll you know, raise my voice at him and I'm thinking, like, why did I do that? Like he was just wanting to have fun. And instead, I turn what could have been like a core memory of maybe having fun like with the hose and everything else like that. I turned what could have been a good memory for him into a moment where he was scared. And then I'll think, okay, I need to go out there and I need to like ask. We so we don't apologize, we ask for forgiveness. And so that's something that we're trying to teach our kids because you can say empty sorries and it means nothing. For sure. And and I hate to say Bo all the time, but Bo does that now. Like he'll do something on purpose, like throw like forks on the ground. We're like, Bo, what do you he's sorry? I'm like, that's not how this works. That's not how this works. And then so we're like, no, like ask for forgiveness from the person. Because then you know, you you're leaving it up to them, which is how it should be, the person who you did wrong to they should forgive you. Not like should, but they should choose if they want to forgive you or not. Absolutely. And so I'll go and I'll you know tell him in a very calm way, like, you know, hey Bo, you know, hey, can I talk to you for a second? And he'll come over and I'll just say, you know, hey, I should not have yelled that way, I should not have raised my voice at you. I'm I I am sorry. Can you forgive me? And he'll just be like, no.

SPEAKER_02 18:56

No, no, I'm getting wild.

SPEAKER_00 18:58

Yeah, no, he'll he'll like, you know, every time so far, he said, he was like, Yeah, dad. And then I'll give him a hug and then we'll play with those. Or we'll, you know, just kind of brush it off. Um, and then or I'll just tell him like, hey, like but dad needs to get this done so that I don't get burnt and that I can get this done and come inside and play with you when we're done sooner. The vision, the why, the why behind it. The why I the why I reacted that way. Yep. And more times than not, that works.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

Um it's seeking to understand, but also helping them to understand why that reaction was not warranted, but why that reaction came out. Yeah what I mean.

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Yeah, so that he I don't want him to think that some like he did something wrong. Because in that mo in that instance, and I use that example because it happens all the time, but he's not necessarily doing anything wrong. You know, he's wanting to have fun. And so, you know, I I'm not gonna I I don't want him to think that that's wrong. I don't want him to think that, you know, he did something that's bad. Right. It's more of like, hey, like dad loss is cool, but this is why like I need to do this so that we can do XYZ.

SPEAKER_01 20:06

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 20:06

You know?

SPEAKER_01 20:06

Totally, totally. And again, the reconciliation conversation I feel like is never one size fits all. But some of the commonalities I hear are forgiveness is vital, right? Some element of forgiveness is vital, which makes an apology vital in some way, shape, or form, whether it is an I'm sorry or an hey, will you forgive me? Um I guess I shouldn't say we don't apologize. We we say I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm sorry, can you forgive me? But a lot of this is death to self, right? It is like I'm angry by somebody else's actions, and now I have a decision to make. How much am I going to let this impact me? Yeah. Even if I'm not getting my way, even if it delays my day, like I am responsible for me. You know what I mean? And I just sat, I sat last week with a couple of adults who were just in an uh an argument of sorts, right? And I've one of them, I mean, just like clear as day, looked at the other one in the eyes and was like, you're an adult, you're responsible for your own actions. No one else is responsible for what you've done but you. And I just thought to myself, like, bang, yeah, that's probably something that that person should have heard when they were very young, but for some reason didn't. And now they have to hear it when they're older, and it costs way more than that. From someone that is like their married that's not their parental figure at all. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 21:23

And it's that hurts so much more.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

So you want you do want to take this seriously. That's where I'm coming from. You do want to say, hey, I've got to address the issue, but the more and more that you address the issue without addressing your response or your part to play in it, the more that you enable relationship breaking behaviors. I think that's kind of what we come back to the crux of is you want to address the issue without making the issue the person. And that's the ultimate goal.

SPEAKER_00 21:50

Yeah, because if you make the issue about the kid like your kids, then they're gonna be scared of you. Right. And they're also either going to act out in a way where it's like they're gonna try to hide. things from you and that's not what we want like we want to we like Haley and I talk about it all the time we're like we want our kids to like if they if they mess up if they do something wrong we want them to come to us and like just tell us like hey I messed up I need your help and we'll be like 100% we will like we're disappointed but yeah we will help you um I do not want the coming in like in high school and like being like secretive and just being like what's up yeah what'd you do?

SPEAKER_01 22:30

Nothing nothing it's like why do you smell you know it's like I it's like dude like just tell me yeah um made a mistake yeah it's like I made I made a mistake yeah because I feel like what you don't confront you won't change what you're unwilling to confront and so it goes back to like hey if there is that if I'm not teaching them what it looks like to make mistakes but then come to conf confess to God for forgiveness but confess to man for healing then I am really setting them up for the worst possible future yeah which is they will hurt people who won't give them the same grace I will. Yeah. And it'll be way more detrimental to their future. Yeah. It's better and especially with those who have the relational equity as the mom, the dad, the caregiver in the household whoever is that kind of primary relationship holder it's got to be something that's confronted. Yeah, no it does. So on the other side obviously of confronting the issue is then maybe not the issue itself being an urgent or an emergency kind of issue, but the anger still needing to be something that is dealt with faster, right? Yep. So let's talk priorities because obviously issue happens anger comes as a result anger then produces some sort of event that causes this person to feel some type of way and really there is a way to get around to dealing with both but I think how you deal with them and in what order is important. So when it comes to conflict when it comes to my child disappointed me they did something that I don't agree with or just my expectations aren't being met, order of operations is my reaction, the issue, and really even kind of like their reaction to my reaction being almost at the bottom, right? Because if I don't get my reaction right, then I won't be able to properly handle the issue. And if I don't handle the issue properly then it will just result in continuous behavior. So why I don't really care about their reaction to my reaction is because that's the least relevant part of the equation. Most relevant is I made a mistake, I did something that didn't you know even if it's not a mistake, I did something that produced anger in me. So I'm gonna deal with me first, then I'm gonna deal with the action that produced the anger. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. But it can be difficult because obviously a lot of us are others focused first because that's how we were created right others focused first behavior means you did something wrong in my view, so I'm gonna handle you. Yeah. When in reality a lot of parenthood should be you did something period right wrong or otherwise that produced something in me that I don't want it to produce so I'm gonna handle me first. How have you handled that? I I know that was a lot that was kind of a big question wrapped up in a small box.

SPEAKER_00 25:16

Well no it's like I'm trying to think I'm like how how do I handle that? I don't even know it's I feel like it it it depends on the situation because like if it's something that's gonna like if he's putting himself in danger or she he or she's not always the one yep uh if he or she honestly in this example like in for putting yourself in danger Haven is the one Haven's a wild card. Um so like if she's doing something that where she could hurt herself I feel like I deal with the action first then her response then my response because I'll look at what's actually happening like dangerous not dangerous like is she gonna hurt herself like uh well she's actually she's getting really close to the pool. She can't swim. Yep like she hated swim school so you know then I'll tell her in a I always go calm first I'm never gonna be gonna go right off the bat just Haven you know so I'm like Haven hey babe come here and then when she decides to disobey and look at me and think it's a game and sprint towards the pool closer then her reaction then dictates my response which is now okay she's not listening right now it's more like of us like a stern like Haven get over here now and if she doesn't then it's like just like a spiral then I'm just like no then I'll get up and I'll go get her and then she freaks out.

SPEAKER_01 26:41

Um but yeah no I I feel like it varies I is that normal I feel like it's probably normal situationally I feel like if danger is in the equation you're always gonna have a different view especially as a parent just the protective instincts kick in your natural response is more just I'm preventing my child from getting hurt. Yeah so a lot of times that can look like I sprung into action I would have for sure I should have said something softer. She was about to jump in the pool and draft you know what I mean so I'm not gonna be as soft in a situation like that.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

But so I hear my I I I hear when I'm in those situations like my dad's like my dad is a like worry wart when it comes to like with us growing up not at all. But like with his grandchildren like anytime that they get close to like any type of like edge like or like ledge or like they're picking up like this like a PVC pipe that's in our garage like for stretching or I don't know and they they could in theory hurt themselves. He's like no no no no no like grabbing it like he's like no come here I'm like dad like they're fine he's and he's like don't tell me they're fine they're gonna die I'm like oh my gosh and then you don't want to be like helicoptering. Yeah you also don't want to be like but you need to not helicopter yeah but it's like as like Haven is putting herself in these situations more and more I hear my dad's voice coming out when I'm like like Haven no no no come come and I'll like pick her up and bring her back over and Haley's like what are you doing? I'm like I don't know she could have fallen in like what are you talking about? She's like she's like 20 yards away I'm like 20 yards is not it's pretty small. It's a blink of an eye yeah I was like that's like two runs and a pass like 4340 you don't understand. I'm like so you know to each their own and she was you know Haley will like laugh. But I hear my dad's voice coming out a lot. Um but yeah it it definitely does vary because then there are some times when it's I'm more me then action like what you said you know me deal that first action and then their response and then a lot of times it's their response like how they address me right from the bat then it's my my me like my response and then it's what's about to go down. Yeah you know and so I don't know. I I yeah I I'm gonna think about that now like whenever I do feel that because that's that's interesting. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 29:04

Well and I think when it comes down to like frequency and stuff like that because you deal with this a lot I think the question that I would want to answer for myself is where's this anger coming from? Yeah and and really evaluating that more frequently is it coming from the fact that they're not listening to me is it coming from the fact that like I'm not getting what I want here or is it coming from the fact that genuinely their best interests are not being met because of their disobedience.

SPEAKER_00 29:31

Yeah or my framework. So mine mine has always been and it's funny so I I do in that hour I mentioned on an episode before where it's like I whenever I do feel I need like an hour to like just process. In that hour I'm always thinking and I've been trying to do this I started like in college and it's really helped me kind of get in touch like with figuring out the source of the anger am I angry at that person or am I angry at something else? Like when you were saying you worked like with your uh counselor before of what's the underlying issue and did I react appropriately or like was it like was it valid or do I need to go and ask for forgiveness from that person because like hey like I'm so sorry how I responded was not you. I'm actually it's something else and so during that time like when I have like that moment to just kind of sit back and like think like what is actually causing the problem I can then reassess adjust I wait on I forgot what uh what what are we talking about? We're talking about the um the priorities priorities going back and to be able to um reassess kind of what the actual problem is and then address those in that order from the time of like actually having that time to breathe.

SPEAKER_01 30:48

That helped for sure and that's why when James tells us to be slow to speak but quick to listen what it's trying to do is help you build in processing time listen to understand speak to validate understanding then if anger is still the part of the equation be very slow in getting there because the God that we serve in one of the most quoted verses about God probably the most quoted verse about God in all of scripture is found in Exodus 34 where it says that God is compassionate and gracious and it says this very specific phrase slow to anger the God that we serve in and of himself is slow to anger and praise God for that what he models or what he wants modeled by his kids then is the same thing. Because I am compassionate and gracious I am slow to anger and I'm slow to then release that anger onto the person or people that are in front of me. Yeah. Big deal that's great. Really big deal again we hope that you as always find yourself encouraged the text James 19 through 20 is something worth memorizing genuinely it is one of those verses that you won't just keep in your back pocket. You might keep it in your front pocket on many many days right but God's word is true and God is faithful even in our worst moments by the power of his Holy Spirit to meet us in those situations to help us pick and choose the right thing and to move forward into all that God has for us.

SPEAKER_00 32:20

So any closing thoughts on anger dealing with this topic in general just just know that your anger isn't it's it's you know James 119 it says be slow to anger it doesn't say you can't feel it for sure so just you you like don't if you feel angry towards your kids or anything you're not a bad dad you're not doing a bad job you're like I said earlier you're human and just the difference is is not letting that then dictate how you live like your day out you know don't let it um isn't the thing is mentioned somewhere in the Bible it's like never go to bed angry angry yep Ephesians 4. So it's like when you're angry figure out the root figure out how to address it ask for forgiveness or speak to the individual who you're angry with in a calm way if you can um and just know that everything like you're okay okay like you can feel the way you're not doing anything wrong you didn't do anything wrong unless you did um but just know that you're not doing a bad job really.

SPEAKER_01 33:25

Yeah and just don't let anger be the thing that rules your spirit at the end of the day. I mean anger in and of itself is not bad. It is like with many things what we do with it that determines the good or the bad in our life or in our case the righteous or the sinful and obviously we know which way we would rather be going. Yep great awesome thank you again for joining us we hope that you found this to be beneficial for you and your walk we will continue to have more phenomenal content for you stick around we'll be back very soon with another episode for Connor I'm Scott. Thanks for joining us on the Raising Arrows Podcast awesome