Who Are You Now?

Somewhere around month three, Hailey looked over at Connor in bed and said, "I don't even know what you've done this past month." That sentence cracked something open. In this episode, Connor Sykes and Pastor Scott Stewart get honest about the temptation every new parent faces — letting the marriage quietly slide to the back burner while the baby's schedule takes over everything.

They talk through the difference between being in the same room and actually being connected, the danger of mistaking "quality time with the kids" for togetherness as a couple, and why so many husbands default to describing their wives only as "mom" instead of remembering the whole person underneath. Connor shares the viral 36 Questions framework — reworked for married couples into three rounds, from light reconnection to deeper, more vulnerable territory — as a practical tool for any exhausted couple who doesn't know where to start.

This one is a call back to Ecclesiastes 4:9-10: two are better than one, because when one falls, the other can lift them up. Marriage was never meant to take a back seat to parenthood — it's the foundation everything else stands on.

If you've caught yourself talking only about the kids' schedules and realized you don't actually know how your spouse is doing this week — this episode is for you.

Anchor Scripture: Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 — "Two are better than one because they have good reward for their efforts. If either falls, his companion can lift him up. But pity the one who falls without another to lift him up."


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Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:00

What's going on everybody? Welcome to Raising Arrows, the podcast for dads who are done pretending that they have it all figured out because let's be honest, guys, we don't. I'm Connor Sykes, and with me as always is my good friend, Pastor Scott Stewart. And together we're talking marriage, fatherhood, and faith without the highlight reel. There's no lecture, there's no perfect answers by any means, and we're just two dads in the thick of it, chasing after God and trying our best to raise good kids in a chaotic world. What we talk about is faith, fatherhood, and the beautiful chaos in between. So without further ado, let's get into it.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Hey, welcome back to the Raising Arrows Podcast. So glad you're joining us. As always, Connor Sykes, Scott Stewart. Today we've got a great topic because we're not just talking about parenthood, but we're going to talk a lot of marriage today and what it means to really partner with your spouse and rediscover your spouse and this idea that when you become a parent, the temptation is to think I've formed a new identity. When in reality your identity's fixed, you've just unlocked a new level of life, I would say. So we're going to start with a great Bible verse that talks about strengthening the couple and how important it is to have God in the center of your marriage. So this is Ecclesiastes 4, verses 9 and 10. This is what it says in the CSB version. Two are better than one because they have good reward for their efforts. If either falls, his companion can lift him up, but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up. The idea that everyone was made for connection and community. Everyone was made to be strengthened by somebody else. And obviously for the married folks, there is nobody who is supposed to strengthen you, support you, be there for you and with you more than your spouse. So parenthood, I know, can unlock a lot of different things. I think, like I said, one of the temptations that we see across the board, probably for a long time, has been to put the child above the marriage. And obviously, we believe something very different when it comes to our faith and how we set up our family. So especially y'all, because now you're into the two-child game. What does this look like for you guys in terms of not just rediscovering your spouse, but really like keeping your relationship alive as a married couple as you're tackling parenthood?

SPEAKER_01 2:22

Yeah. It's in the beginning, so when it was, it was it was harder with one because that was like a huge flip. It's a change. You weren't really prepared for it. Nobody ever really is. And it doesn't really matter how you can ask people how did they handle this, or your parents, how did you guys keep the love of life between you two, the connection between you two? And every relationship's different, right? So your parents' relationship is gonna be different than you and your spouse, and your friends' relationships, your couple friends that are married, that's different than you and your wife's. And so I found that you could ask outside sources, but everything that they say, it's gonna vary. And so it really is up to the two of you to really put an effort in to keep it fun and engaging and really still getting to know each other throughout that first six months, first year, first baby, second baby. Because as the schedules start to fill, like with now, even like with Bone School, and they we're trying to manage now, like the drop-off pickup and trying to figure out okay, now we have Haven all by ourselves now. It's the first time ever. It's great when we hang out with her and they get that one-on-one time. And yet I realized that we're talking a lot about one-on-one time with Haven, but not us. And so I can see how that can still play a factor in our relationship. But Haley and I, we've managed, I would like to think, pretty well, because we we really are like best friends. So even like when the days or the mornings that we're like frustrated with one another, like if I forgot to do something and that she asked me to do a thousand times, which happens a lot, I'll try to still make an effort and just talk to her. Just even though she's frustrated with me, make her laugh, which she hates that I can make her laugh while she's frustrated with me. For sure, which is every man's secret sauce. It's like to just make her laugh, you're good. But no, it's I feel for the couples who they put their kids' schedules in above their relationship. They're putting either whether it's a schedule or whether it's just time with the kids, they're focused more on that time and quality time with their kids, and they're losing a connection with their partner in this stage of their life because all that focus is on their children, which in the beginning, yeah, it is, but that same amount of effort you still have to put in to your spouse, whether it's just hanging out with them or going the date night thing. Like Pastor Aaron's talks about this. The what's it called? Get it on the calendar, the seven, seven, seven. Yeah, the seven seven seven rule. Every seven days date, every seven weeks. Weeks night, it's a one-night thing, every seven months it's a it's a trip.

SPEAKER_00 4:56

It's a trip. Yep. Yeah. And just the two of them. Contextualize that. There are, I would argue, the vast majority of Americans that probably cannot put themselves in that exact cadence. But the idea, and it's taught different ways. We have a good couple friends of ours that is one-one, so it's every day have a singular connection point. I think it's every three months you go away for a night, and it's every year you go away for a trip. So it's just a little bit more of a stretch, a little bit more varied. But the point is you're obviously scheduling set time.

SPEAKER_01 5:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

I was just scheduling my PTO for the rest of our year earlier today. Just to the rest of your year? Yeah, just to get it on the calendar. Because again, I'm getting it on the calendar. I now know here's when Shay and I are in town, here's where we're away, here's what it's gonna look like, here's where we're going. That is where Haley and I struggle.

SPEAKER_01 5:41

We're both procrastinators. And so we talk about trips all the time, and we won't book them until like a week before. Nice. And I'm like, why do we do this? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? My wife is just way too excited. So she's like, Did you get it? Did you get it?

SPEAKER_00 5:59

If you don't get it, I'll take care of it and I'll take a look at what it costs us. So I'm like, no, I'll get it. I'm gonna get it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

But I do, yeah, I do understand because when Bo was first born, we were falling into that of we were only talking about Bo, we were only talking about his schedule, his feeding times, what he needs. Is he in the on the right development track? It was all about Bo. And it's easy to think that, yeah, that's what we're supposed to be talking about right now is our kid, because that's he's our life now. We now have this thing in our home, and it's like we have to make you know, make sure it stays alive, and we have to make sure that it's we want to be good parents. And so all of this kind of stress is added to this new role that you're carrying, and it's very easy to get sucked into that we'll catch up later mentality instead of no, in order for this to work, we have to also make sure we are staying connected throughout this process. But we I was we caught that probably month three with Bo of we were laying down in bed one night, and I remember Haley looked over at me and was like, I don't even know what you've done the past month. And I was like, not much, really. Like work and typically like typically what's up. She's like, Yeah, but we haven't talked about our daily thinks. I was like, Oh my gosh, you're right, we haven't.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

And that was like an I we really said it, but it's so easy. I think that's the toughest part, is that it's just because life just naturally picks up pace. If you're not intentional, and you don't help those other things pick up pace with you, then yeah, you will find yourself.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Yeah, because and I think the biggest threat is just because you're in the same room and you're like, yeah, we're together, but you're also miles apart, like emotionally, mentally, and that's where the trouble really starts to creep in. Because you can like for me personally, I was that's where my head was at. It was like, oh, we're still together, we're in the same room, quality time with a family. Because her one of her love languages is quality time, one of the big ones. And so I'm like, Yeah, we're together, we're doing everything with Bo and getting we're feeding him and cooking, but we never spoke about how are you doing? How's your day? What did you do today? It was always about Bo and the next thing we're doing with him, whatever. Sure. But I never thought that we were doing anything wrong or something that could hinder our relationship until that third month when we're like, I don't know anything about what you've done. I was like, oh my gosh. Yeah. So my advice, I would say if you are in that in that trap right now of you're together in the same place, but and taking care of your son or your daughter, and but yet you feel like you are just drifting apart, I would really focus on at the end of your day or during nap times when you guys are home and the baby's down, just take 15 minutes. Yeah, like 10-15 minutes to just sit down and just talk, ask questions. And there's actually a a 36 question viral thing that's been going around, which is the 36 questions for like first dates, but they work really well also for married couples. Where is this? I want to give this a try. Yeah, so it's it's a viral 36 questions that lead to love. You can search it on Google if you just type in 36 questions that lead to love. It is a report that the New York Times actually put out. And I did download some of the questions that we can go over here, but it's broken up into three phases. So you have phase one, which is pretty high level, high umbrella, like over more like getting to know each other. Okay. Phase two is getting a little bit deeper, and then phase three is a more like intimate type of questions that are really getting you to know truly who is sitting across from you from like a first state perspective. Okay, yeah. But then also for the husbands and wives out there, they're great questions to just spark up a conversation and uncover things about your partner that maybe you didn't know. Because Haley and I have been married for eight years, and there are still things that I'm learning about her to this day. And so you might think it's like I don't need to ask her any questions, I know everything about her. It's like that you are so far from the truth. Like that, like there's there's always something that you can uncover. And if you want, it's a couple of questions that I threw it into Claude. Okay, and I was like, hey, break these up for more spouse related. Round one, so the reconnect questions, light, easy entry. What's one small thing I did this week that you actually appreciated? If we had a totally free Saturday with no kids, what would you want us to do? What's one thing you're proud of yourself for this week that I probably didn't notice? That's a good one. That is good. Then round two, so these are remember questions like deeper, they're a little bit more vulnerable. What do you miss most about who we were before kids? What's a memory of us from before the baby that you find yourself thinking about? Another one is if you could get back one hour a week just for yourself, what would you do with it? Nice. And then the third round, again, following the same format. So reaching more like a reach for each other, so more intimate closing questions. What's one thing I do that makes you feel loved, even in this exhausting season? What's a worry that you're carrying right now that I might not know about? And what's one small thing we could commit to this week to feel more like us again? Cool. So, again, you can take these questions and break them up however you like. You can just search again the 36 questions that lead to love. But it's a great starting point if you don't know what to talk about. You can fall into that trap too of I don't even know what to talk about. I'm so tired. Yep. Just go with these questions and just ask them back and forth and encourage each other to truly answer them, not just like fly by.

SPEAKER_00 11:33

Yeah, just be like, oh, I don't know. Which is also easy, especially when you're tired. Yeah, it's easy to just be like, oh yeah. Where do you want to go next? Probably Paris. It's like why? Yeah. Can you elaborate on that?

SPEAKER_01 11:42

Yeah, it's like it was like one word response. Where do you want to go next? Columbia. Like, what? Yeah. I I like narcos, I don't know. Yeah, we should elaborate, we should definitely talk about that. Yeah, maybe. Don't talk about that. Oh, it's good. But yeah, no, you're 15 minutes a day, just taking that for yourselves and just getting to know each other again.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Yeah, that's my biggest tip. And honestly, I man, I can't believe I'm even about to say this, but of all things where AI can help you, if you feel like you're getting stale questions, just ask whatever AI tool that you use most often, and I'm sure it will be glad to give you some real legit. Oh, actually, we can put a little bit of a spin on that, and I can ask this in a different way and actually learn. Yep. One of the most practical things that our our pastor of our church has always said is that you never stop learning your spouse, that you continue to learn new things about them, that curiosity is a joy, that you really keep your romance alive by continuing to lean into who they are continually revealing themselves to be. And so that's kind of the beauty of a marriage relationship. Yeah. Why we love being married and do getting to do what we get to do together.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

Yeah, no, for sure. And if you do share an account, like an AI account, like Claude or chat with your spouse, is delete the chat after you. 100% after you ask it, what question should I ask my wife tonight? Yeah. I thought you were actually being like very romantic and said you just got all this from AI.

SPEAKER_00 12:59

For sure. We're not encouraging you to take credit for the AI, but at the same time, that's between you and Jesus, I guess. So yeah, it's good. I think I can only echo what he's saying. The point is obviously to make it paramount that you are pursuing. Yeah. That's what we've always heard. That's it's really never going to be super complicated or more simple than just are you putting in consistent effort? And if you're not, obviously, I know we've said this so many times on this podcast, but just get help, right? Talk to somebody about that. Talk to somebody, a friend, a leader, a therapist, a counselor, whomever it is. Because obviously, this is now getting into the most important earthly relationship that you have as a Christian is the husband or the wife that God has joined you with. Yeah. That's yeah, how it should be. So anything else? Anything else you want to add?

SPEAKER_01 13:45

I don't know. I feel like just when you just don't fall into the trap of just thinking of your wife as a mom. I feel like that's where a lot of guys, and myself included, is I always think when someone asks like, how would you describe Haley or what's Haley like? I'm like, oh, she is a absolute and it's true, but my first instinct is always she is probably the best mom I've ever seen. Come on. And although I know it's true to my core, that's not who she, that's not her identity. And she's not just mom, she was a whole person before we even met. And it's like we tend to forget about who they were before. And it's like, no, Haley is a child of God, she is a huge fitness fanatic, and she is a huge people person. She loves to help others, she loves to be there for all of her friends. She's probably the most selfless person I've ever met. Come on. And she is always gonna be like your biggest cheerleader, even if you guys have just met. And yet, like those are five things that it has nothing to do with kids. Um, it's like, oh, are you guys that do you guys have any children? Oh, yeah, we have two. And my first instinct is always, oh, she's a wonderful mom. I'm like, well, then no, that's not her identity. But when we start to think that way, it's oh, just mom, dad, that's who we are. You that kind of sets a tone for it's almost like a wedge of like, no, we are a couple together, we do this together, we're a partnership, and we were also at one point in the cupcake phase of dating. Just get back to that point again. Because that point never left. Yeah, that point never really leaves. Yep. You can always have it again. It's just a matter of putting in the effort to want to just ask those questions again and go through the fun thing.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

You know, stay silly. Yeah, and stay silly. Yeah, genuinely just enjoy your spouse for who God created them to be.

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Be immature in the immature moments when you can be for sure. Yeah, know your know the time and place, but be don't be afraid to be silly.

SPEAKER_00 15:35

Amen. Yeah. Good word, very good word. I think that's a great place for us to wrap up. Obviously, if you aren't where you want to be, there's always time, there's always the opportunity to get there. If you are where you want to be, how important is it for us to stay on the right path and the right course? Especially for, like we said, the most valuable earthly relationship you're gonna have is who God has brought you together with. Because that's what Genesis 2 tells us, right? Yep. Let whom God's brought together, right? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

Wait, is that Genesis?

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Yes, yeah, yeah. Well, and we're gonna get into that. Yeah, I'll say that. That's a whole other episode. That's a whole other episode. But when God brings two together, obviously, that is whom he has brought together. Yes. We say this in the wedding ceremony, right? Let no man separate, let nothing separate, let nothing come between you and your spouse. And so we hope this helped you today. Thanks for joining us. We will be back with another great episode on Genesis 2 in just a couple weeks. Take care.