The Second One Changes Everything | Raising Arrows

We thought adding a second kid would just mean more of the same — a little more chaos, a little less sleep. We were wrong. It didn't add to our plate. It multiplied it.

In this episode, Connor sits down with Pastor Scott Stewart to talk honestly about the leap from one kid to two — and the ways it exposed selfish habits Connor didn't even know he still had. They dig into what "zone coverage" parenting actually looks like (spoiler: it's a lot harder than "man coverage"), the practical "eyes on / eyes off" system that saved their sanity in public, and why going from zero to one is a completely different transition than going from one to two.

This isn't a parenting theory conversation. It's two dads talking through the real stuff — split attention, marriage communication that has to level up, and learning to put your spouse's needs above your own exhaustion, even when you're running on fumes.

Anchor Scripture: Philippians 2:4 — "Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others."

Whether you're staring down baby number two or you're deep in the thick of it already, this episode is a reminder that multiplying responsibility isn't about doing more — it's about dying to self a little more each time. Because at the end of the day, we're not here to be served. We're here to serve.

Listen now and tag a dad who needs to hear this before their second one arrives.

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

What's going on everybody? Welcome to Raising Arrows, the podcast for dads who are done pretending that they have it all figured out. Because, let's be honest, guys, we don't. I'm Connor Sykes, and with me, as always, is my good friend, Pastor Scott Stewart. And together we're talking marriage, fatherhood, and faith without the highlight reel. There's no lecture, there's no perfect answers by any means. And we're just two dads in the thick of it, chasing after God and trying our best to raise good kids in a chaotic world. What we talk about is faith, fatherhood, and the beautiful chaos in between. So without further ado, let's get into it.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Hey, welcome back to the Raising Arrows Podcast. As always, Connor Sykes alongside Scott Stewart. Welcome. We are super excited. Today we're talking about what it means to multiply our responsibility as parents. A topic that I am not yet familiar with, but we have one of the best, if not the best. Hopefully soon, but if not one of the best people to talk about what it means to raise two kids. You flatter me. Two what would the world call them? Hellraisers. So we'll call them heaven raisers. Two heaven raisers, two kids that are amazing. We love your family. We love your kids. They are both phenomenal. Thank you. But a lot of that does have to do with you and Haley and how intentional you've been with raising them the right way. So we're pretty great. Yeah. Oh, for sure. I think many of us would agree. But that's why I'm excited to talk because I think it's always important that people who are a little bit of ahead of you have a chance to speak into that. And so I'm excited to learn, even myself, from you and you guys as we continue to see how God uses you guys as parents. So we'll jump into a no pressure. No pressure. No pressure. We'll jump into the Bible because we always love leading with God's word, just providing a verse of encouragement to you in the season you're in. And so really the passage that we're going to reference is applicable to serving your spouse, serving one child, serving two children, serving cheaper by the dozen. You got 12 kids. Philippians 2 is still for you. But we're going to really zero in on verse 4 because I think the concept behind this is really the secret sauce to learning and really living what it means to be like Jesus. So Philippians 2, verse 4, this is talking about Christian humility, the example of Christ. It says everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interest of others. And so, again, practically speaking, this is what it means to look most like Jesus. Your interests are above my interests because at the end of the day, I am here to not be served, but to serve. And man alive. When you have not just a wife, a child, but you add another child to it, how much more important is it for you to really learn, I'm here to serve them first, even when it's hard.

SPEAKER_00 2:46

It's everything. Them first. Yeah. No, it's it really is everything. It's with both that was the biggest struggle for me to get over was like now like my selfish behavior was really brought to light because I didn't have time to do the things that I wanted to do, focus on things that I wanted to focus on, or pick up whatever hobby that I wanted to pick up at the time, because now he was like my life. And so it was definitely with going from zero to one was a struggle because that was now trying to get into this whole new routine. Going from one to two was much easier because I had already in some way, and I'm still working on this, but the whole death to self thing for sure and that mentality is something I'm still working on. But for other things, when it comes to my kids, I feel like that I will always put their interests above mine. Now, at first, like when it was just Bo, when he was just born, I was still putting my interests above his. And that took about that three, six months time frame to really adjust and be like, okay, in order for me to actually be a present dad, a good dad, and to be able to raise up a son that I hope is going to be respectful and kind and wanting to look and more and more like Jesus, I need to put his interests above mine and also Haley's interests above mine. And so it was a big wake-up call. But because of that wake-up call, going from Bo to Haven having two was a much smoother transit because I was already in that groove and that kind of rhythm. And man, it's just what a blessing she's been, truly. And going from that that man coverage for just one to do now playing the zone, that was probably the biggest change. For sure. Yeah, because it was only focusing on one kid at Disney is pretty easy. But when you have two, and one of them at that Haven was still on the stroller, Bo's walking around and wanting to run everywhere. And so Bo's trying to hop out and run, and Haley's looking at Haven. I'm looking at Haven. We're like, who's watching? She'll turn and she'll see the back of his hat. Yeah. She'll just grab him by the shirt. You can't go here. What are you doing? He's like, I can't just get up and go. No. We have your sister now. And he's like, Oh man. But yeah, that was probably a big shift. Was now what we do is we say eyes on or eyes off. So anytime we're out in the public place, and I encourage any parents out there listening to have two kids. If you don't do this, if you're at Disney or you're at any amusement park or mall or concert or whatever event, if you guys are all four in a group, and if one of the children wants to go somewhere, you just say, Hey, eyes on, I got eyes on Bo, or I got eyes on who I'm whoever, and they are your priority now. Nice. Parent number two now has priority over the other one. Nice. And if you don't have eyes on anymore, you have to say, hey, eyes off. You have to go step away for a second. You say eyes off Haven. And then I now know I have to bring Bo back to Haven. And now I have eyes on both of them. Constant communication. Yeah. That's the name of the game. Very practical. And so we do that now all the time. And we took that from my brother-in-law and my sister because they did that. And I was like, we need to remember that. And we did. And that has been a lifesaver so many times. Yeah, it's legit. Yeah. Very legit. No, definitely. Because zone coverage is much harder.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

And I feel like the temptation is to think, oh, we added another child, because that's the language we use. Yep. I added, we added to our family, we added another child. And really, I think you're multiplying responsibility. It's not as easy as, yeah, we just have another. You know what I mean? It's actually we took whatever level of responsibility we currently had and we just magnified it. You know what I mean? We multiplied it even more. And now it's like, man, we are really learning what it means to not just care for two, but three, and how to then steward, even in that, everything that we believe God's called us to do. Yep. Which obviously first calling marriage, second calling family, but you're still managing a home. You know what I mean? You're still leading your house. For sure. Now you've added another. Yeah. Or multiplied, right? Another, right?

SPEAKER_00 6:55

And not only that, but with the different sex, it's like now Bo's interests and Haven's interests are now completely different. And they're at that age now where Haven's now leaning more towards like the girl toys and drawing. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 7:05

She had her lipstick, the step and thing.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Yeah, when you came up the steps and she was like lipstick, you're like, man, I need to learn more about lipstick. I need to learn shades. I need to get on that. And so it's like their interests are now changing. So it's now having to my vocabulary for all of the Disney characters and songs for both of them is good. But then I now need to learn makeup. I need to learn dress styles and things and shoes and different types of shoes and heels and wedges and all those other things. All of it. Yeah. And Bo, he's just give me a car. I'm like, all right, I got you. Or a Nerf gun or something. Legit. Yeah. But yeah, no, it's yeah, one to two, I would say, was a very smooth transition, minus all of the additives. So now you're back into diaper phase and all these other things, but that's all secondary when it comes to the bigger picture of is it easy to mentally go from one to two? I would say yes.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Yeah. So let's talk about even your marriage in that, because multiplying parent responsibility is one thing. Now multiplying parent responsibility while also maintaining the quality of your marriage. I'm sure that it did require some level, even if it's not adjustment, some level of strengthening, some level of reinforcing. What did it look for y'all to keep your marriage in a healthy place as you went to two?

SPEAKER_00 8:19

Constant, like how we said it before, just constant communication. And for me, I'm a very blunt person. I wear my emotions on my face, and if you ask me, I'll tell you how I feel. Haley, on the other hand, is always happy on her face. Never, she could be having the worst day, but still coming with a smile. I have noticed that. She just is like Dude, it's it, I don't understand. I'm like, how do you not have a bad day? I know. Oh, I'm miserable right now. Yeah. Dude, and I I can't do that either.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

My face is I'll you can see.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

For sure. And it's like, what's wrong? I'm like, I'll tell you what's wrong. You really would really do you really want to know? Do you want me to unpack this right now? For sure. And but anyway, yeah, so we had a talk when it was just with Bo about this topic. And it was just, hey, like, I need to know how you are doing, or else I don't know how to help. And because at that point, I was still new to this whole, like, still felt relatively new to marriage. Still felt relatively, I was a brand new dad. And just starting to get under like my belt, like the just looking around the house and knowing what to do around the house to help her. Yep. Like I'm still learning that today. And so we had the a conversation about it when Bo was born. And I was like, I like I know you want me to be there with knowing exactly what to do at what time and what to put away and what things go where. But now with all of the extra things like with Bo, right, how you fold his clothes, how you where you put his clothes, where the diapers are. Oh, it's the putting away. Yeah, it's like it's always the putting away. It's like what what gets washed with this, and like the different detergents, and like what doesn't get what gets hang dry. And I'm like, I need communication so that I can do this right and not create more work for you. And I can also just help. And that conversation then set us up for once Haven was here, we were in a really good rhythm. Yep, that's great. So not backing away from and just letting if your wife is the one that when your daughter or your son was born, like the first one, and Derry just took it by the reins and just ran with it. If they're still running with it, and if you don't know where the dirty hamper is for your kids, might be time for that conversation. Hey, there are things you can do. Yeah, it's like show me what you do so I can help around the house. Because then when you go from one to two, it's that transition's a lot easier.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

For sure.

SPEAKER_00 10:33

Yeah, no, it makes sense. But that that's really has helped us of me me noticing the load that she was under with Bo, acknowledging it, asking how I can help, and then actually listening and watching so that then I don't create more work, then created more time for us later on to have more quality time together, just us. It's good, yeah. Because if we didn't have the conversation I didn't know, she'd be working all the time around the house, like putting the clothes away, doing the laundry, putting dishes away, making sure the kids' dishes go in the right place and all these other things. I wouldn't be doing anything. There'd be resentment from her, and then she'd be too tired to want to sit down and have a conversation with me. Nor would I deserve a conversation. So that one conversation really helps with you both just helping each other and putting her interest above yours, going back to Philippians too. And then long game, it does give you more time in your day because you both are working on like the same goal. Amen. Yeah. So that's good. That'd be my advice of how we've kept it.

SPEAKER_01 11:38

Three more. Can I just put you on the spot? As long or as short as you want. So let's start because I was just thinking about this one. So talk me through. Again, I know you're on the spot, so as comfortable as you are, talk me through what's one current struggle of parenting two at the same time, especially with how young they are.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

One current struggle, I would say, is trying to meet both of their needs at the same time when they both need different things. Bo or like what they like want, because they both will want different things at the same time, and they're both wanting your attention at the same time, but with different things. And it's if Haley's working or Haley's gone, it's like trying to be that like I'm gonna try to make you as happy as I can be and try to give you what you're doing. You can't split yourself and yeah, it's like I can't be in two places at once to make you happy and you happy. So it's what's that part's not the it's what's difficult is who do you say no to? And it's having to then decide because it's not like they're wrong, it's Haven wants to swim, Bo wants to go do go to the park, and then it's let's go to the park, and then Haven's like freaking out, Bo's excited, and then that creates like Haven's now mad at Bo, she's mad at me, and then that whatever. Yep. But they're so close in age that we don't have much struggle with like bigger issues of I would say different interests or like Bo's playing a sport, Haven's playing a sport, and trying to manage like time, like schedule and all that stuff. More of like the smaller things of like they're both selfish, right? There's it's all about me, it's all about what I want. It's like I want to go here, I want to go here. It's like okay, and it's like trying to make both happy at the same time.

SPEAKER_01 13:20

Yep, without I'm sure, trying to keep mental score, without breaking a sweat. Yeah, you can't do it. You can't keep the balancing act going forever.

SPEAKER_00 13:27

So yeah, and then you're just exhausted at the end of the day for sure. Because it's like you were like singing show tunes and then also running across and trying to be a race car driver and then going back to show tunes, and now you're a fighter pilot, and it's like, what the heck are we doing right now?

SPEAKER_01 13:40

Yeah, you're not no one wins. No, no one wins when you're winning. Not at all. No, that's good, and no one wants to start with the bad, so we'll end on the good. Okay. What's your favorite part of parenting too right now?

SPEAKER_00 13:50

My favorite part is honestly seeing right now. I love seeing Bo come from school and he's sharing with me what he's learned. I'm it just it makes me so happy that and when I go pick him up the first time, first day, when pick him up, and teachers are like Bo's leaving, you know what I'm saying? The whole class is like, bye, Bo. And I was like, I got teary-eyed, I'm like, this is so sweet. And Bo's like, bye. I was like, Did you have a good day? He goes, Yeah, I had a great day. I'm like, that's awesome. I was like, What'd you learn? And he would he just would share with me little things, and I just love to see his mind growing and just that eagerness to be to actually learn. I love that. And then with Haven, oh my gosh, she just makes my heart happy. Truly, what I love about being like a dad to her is just the love that she has for everyone, truly everyone. She's a little shy at first, but the second she knows you, she gives you the biggest hugs. She will just give you kisses out of nowhere. She's so polite. She always, thank you, dad, thank you, thank you. Oh, I'm sorry, Dad. Um and just so sweet. Now she does have her moments, don't get me wrong, she does have her moments. We all do where it's like, oh my gosh. But it's just the love that she has, and that's all her mom. Truly. Just the love that she has in her heart. But and then with Haley, and I know I said it on the prior episode about it's like she's not just a mom, but I my love for her has grown so much because of me watching her be a mom. It's wild. Just the amount of love that she gives to the kids, just the amount of effort she puts in every day to make sure that they're happy and having fun, constantly having fun, outside, moving, just being active, and everything that she does with them. I my love grows for her every day. And I I that wouldn't have come without the kids. Come on. So yeah, I guess there were three things that No, it's amazing.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

Yeah, that's amazing. We'll take it. Any last thoughts?

SPEAKER_00 15:49

No, I'm curious with you. What about you? What's your favorite thing about being a dad right now?

SPEAKER_01 15:52

Oh my gosh. I don't have two. Being a dad right now, of one incredible young man, how rapidly he's growing is easily the toughest thing. And my favorite thing is watching him become an individual. Real words, real sentence, actual thought processes. And he loves his dad. Yeah. So he really loves just spending time with me.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

I give you as much as chocolate milk. He does, honestly. I'm being legit. I'll never forget that amount.

SPEAKER_01 16:17

That was so funny. He is, don't get me wrong, he loves his mom. He loves his mom. But I could be anywhere in the house and he will actively room to room. He's like, where is my dad? And I'm like, that's what I love though. I'm like, man, what a joy it is to be like, wow, this kid is all in on his parents. No matter what. His thoughts of us are just like, these are the best people on planet. You know what I mean? And I'm like, man, just to cherish that relationship is awesome.

SPEAKER_00 16:46

Because especially now, because it's got it's not gonna last forever. No, no way. That's the thing sucks. It's they are growing up so fast. Everyone always says, It's like, oh, it goes by fast. But you don't know like painfully. You don't get it until you're in it. And it's just it's really Haven's getting so tall, Bo's already in school and learning all these things, and it's great. And I'm like, can you just slow down? I know. Like, yeah, I know. Because I'm like dreading the day when Bo's we're all sitting on the couch together, cuddling, watching a movie, and I know soon enough it's gonna be like I don't want to sit on the couch with you guys. What? I'm like, man. Yep, see you later. Yeah. Because I cherish these little moments now.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

Yep. Anyway, they're the best. Sorry, but yeah. No, it's great. It's great. We hope this helped you as always. Again, that's Philippians 2 4. We're looking to, especially as our families multiply, humility is probably the number one way to find your key to success. So thanks for joining us again. We hope you have a great rest of your week. We'll see you next time on the Raising Arrows Podcast.